home

I woke up this morning and had been lost for a moment.

Where am i?

Instead of lying in my some-kinda-bed in an apartment shared with friends, i found my vimless body in the old Salem bed i've been accustomed to sleep on for the first 16 years of my life.

Once again, i took a moment, breathed. I think i need some air. How long have I been sleeping?

I looked around and saw posters of vince hizon and allan caidic all over, the cynosures of this room. on the far end, there's my old 14" black and white tv, the very first item I was able to buy with my own money at a very, very young age. just look at what my numerous piggy bank-saved 10 cents brought me. just beside the bed is the AM/FM radio that accompanied me during my first dose of heartbreaks, during kilig moments and at times when I just wanted to stay late and shift to senti mode (ironically, 11 PM was already late for me back then). and of course, to complete the scene, i heard the thundering sound of the vociferous tricycles that used to wake me up in time for my 7am science class.i have to remind myself to have this
room soundproofed someday!

at that moment, i felt i was high school again.

though my room hasn't changed a lot except for some added dust on top of the drawers and tables, everything around me seemed to. our house which used to be filled with my and my sister's laughters and little bitchiness is now barren with only my tita and lola for residents. Inang, as I fondly call the woman who gave birth to my mom, is now in her tiniest body form ever and her little alzheimer's is in its biggest blow driving my relatives all crazy. my cousin who had married 3 months ago is now preggy with a 4-month old baby. her sister will soon wed this summer. another cousin is now a father of a twin. well, speaking of babies, cats have been flocking the roof of our house which used to be a kingdom only for Muning,a white cat whose
uterus seemed to be a factory of kittens. now, Muning is gone and i am not really sure if these cats are of her family lineage.

The resort accross the street closed down. The pools once full of blue water giving joy to the kiddos of our barangay now serve as playgrounds to little hopping green creatures. I have to mention that being a neighbor to these pools did not help me learn swimming at all. My silent next-door neighbor, the little boy I kidded with, who just came home from Manila schooling is now a total hunk. My next-door neighbor is now a total hunk!! He is now a total hunk!!! ok... i have to get over that now.. The next-door neighbor of my next-door neighbor who is now a total hunk (so basically, he lived in the next,next house from mine) no longer lives there. What could have happened to him? Married? I remember he once had his hair totally blonde and I found it adorable. Yuck!

Some neighbors who are not related by blood used to treat each other as families. Today, blotter records in the barangay hall seem to be their only bond. Little kids grew to puberty. New families formed. Houses renovated. Stores closed. New establishments rose. The once cool guys are now fathers forming their beer bellies. And the girl tweetums now have little babies tagging along.

Six years have passed... Why am I feeling like a stranger to my homeland?

Sometimes I envy my high school friends who stayed. They are now ninongs and ninangs of each others' children. Some are officemates enjoying their own Friday night gimiks. They have created this special kind of bond. The kind I only share with few classmates who went with me and crossed the borders of Nueva Ecija off to the jungle of Diliman. The only difference with me is when I took step in the world of the metro, my family followed shortly after a year, decided to try our luck in this new place. so unlike belle or katre or allan, my dormmate friends who have been known to me since grade 1, I did not travel to cabanatuan during weekends. but please don't get me wrong if there might be a tinge of regrets in my lines. i might have lost the
could-have-been-wonderful friendship with my old classmates but hey, i was blessed with so many friends here as well. and these people are so amazing, i can't help but be grateful. moreover, my move here introduced me to a whole new world i am just glad i learned of.

then came the time to leave. the little visit is over.

despite the feeling of being "out-of-place in my own place", i felt good coming home.the changes were too obvious, they are getting into me. but what is important is the fact that the more significant things remain.

just like the hugs of my tita whenever i'm home, how she would insist for me to take time off work and spend a longer vacation there, and how she would cry whenever i would leave. the look in my grandma's eyes as she would kiss my hand and call me "apo" but later on would ask me" kanino ka na ngang anak?". the bond i share with my cousins, how we are supportive of each other and the fact that they believe in me big time.

this will forever be the place where i first felt loved and treasured, where the early foundations of my character were built. this is where i first cry,wept, rejoiced, triumphed and felt all the emotions in between. this place gave me comfort. this place is home. who i am now is part of this lovely place, my lovely little past.

i left teh place with a heavy heart. stranger no more...

Why Do I Love Him?

(i've been reveling much of other people's mushiness lately. it just brings out the romantic side of me i once lost.. well, maybe it comes with the age.. anyway, this is one of my faves..)

Why Do I Love Him?
Contributed by babyanne (Edited by blue_kuko)


Why do I love him?
Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for him, let alone explain why I love him. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.

Why do I love him?

I guess I just do. I love him just because. I love him just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.

I love him.

I love him because he's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic guy I have ever known in my entire life. I love him because he's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love him because he's so cool he's hot.

I love him because he makes me smile. I love him because he makes me laugh. I love him because he makes me happy. I love him because he's the one and only guy who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love him because he accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.

I love him for being my friend. I love him because I could be whatever I want to be in front of him. I love him because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.

I love him because I feel safe when I am with him. I love him because we are comfortable with each other. I love him for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love him for offering his shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.

I love him for telling me not to drink too much alcohol, then pretending to be mad at me when I did drink too much. I love him for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love him for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love him for those times when he would call or text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting him, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing him, like he has gone psychic all of a sudden.

I love him for the kilig moments we had. I love him for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love him for making me feel special. I love him for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love him for making me feel. I love him for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love him for making me feel alive.

So, why do I love him?

I love him because he's all of these and more. So much more. I love him because he's everything. He's everything...but mine.

his silhouette

happy birthday, sweetie.....

a dream come true

one time, i was scanning through sunday paper when i saw a familiar figure - vince hizon, adorably wearing a mr. incredible costume for a fashion show of celebrities with their pets. there he was with a pug named "Jawo" wearing its own version of the superhero suit. of course, the picture would not be complete without the better half, his mrs. incredible, patricia "shaan" bermudez.

though i have been a big fan of vince, i barely know shaan. she came into vince's life at the time when i had to concentrate on my own life instead of his. I was not so fond of her or with any other girls linked with vince. i'd say i was a very jealous fan.

the very first time i saw shaan was the same time i first saw vince in the flesh - an AIT fashion show, where they were invited as guests/endorsers of a new clothing line. she was not that pretty, i told myself. not a stunner. and for the rest of that night, my friend belle had to endure my endless blabbing on how vince could have chosen someone better. but a look on his handsome face, just seeing how he would hold her hands and how he looked at her a while, told me that he was happy, happy with her. and if vince chose her instead of other girls who would cross live wires just to be in her place (well, you could include me in the list), he probably found something really special about her.



i was looking intently at her picture in that lifestyle page hoping to see that something special when a realization hit me! she actually has the things i used to want...

back in high school, i already planned on taking up broadcast communications. not that i wanted to be a newscaster giving the daily headlines or to be a well-opinionated journalist. i just simply wanted to be seen in the pba during half-time breaks delivering to the basketball-crazy pinoys the 1st half statistics. oh, and of course a post game interview with vince as he bagged the player of the game title won't hurt. (well, of course, things got in the way and i took up tourism instead. but hey, no regrets there..)

i was in third year when i tried to pattern my crushes with vince. most of them were varsity players. the better they can shoot from the 3-pt arc, the more delicious.. err.. i mean, enchanting they appeared to me. and yes, even before it happened to shaan, i have already formulated my dream wedding proposal - a half-time break with my MVP, most valuable person, going down on his knees, asking me to marry him. and once i say yes, we would live happily ever after and my hubby would agree with me to name our first born vincent paul, obviously from the full name of vince- vicente paul .

and shaan has all these - the job i wanted, the wedding proposal i had in mind, my planned baby name ( although their baby was named vicente patrick), and of course, the man i so adored. amazing isn't it? how a person could actually be living a life you previously dreamt of. well my dreams all came true. though not with me but with shaan.

though these are not the things i want in life anymore, i just can't help but turn a liitle green about her but not necessarily envious. hey! im having a great life as well... and though she loves vince and is taking a good care of him, let me give some word for here.
hey shaan, delight in what you have and flourish life. you are actually living my dreams... ( hell no, i'm not threatening her, okay?!)

speak your tounges

sometimes it amazes me how some people will say something in a mere casual conversation and the words they uttered will just make a lasting impact in our lives. just like some quotable quotes high-lighted in the pages of a book. or that particular line in the song you can best relate to. and yes, these people may or may not be the most important people to you, sometimes even a complete stranger. but you just know that after they delivered their lines, your life, or at least how you view it, will never be the same again. oh and the thing is, they don't even know how it mattered to you because as said, it is just a mere conversation.

Example 1:
I was a freshie in Kalayaan and we were having this all-girls-in-pyjamas conversation in melay's and belle's room. It was a discussion regarding our first set of exams after officially embracing the tag " iskolar ng bayan". apparently, we didn't think that the taumbayan will be so proud of our scores. so we agreed that we really need to prioritize things and use our time efficiently. and yes, that would include crossing out in our planners the "visit SM, watch movie". belle promised to put her concentration on math 11. i agreed to prioritize my acads and walk away from my im-too-confident-to-pass-even-if-i-don't-study attitude that i was so used to having even back in high school. melay swore not to let boys get in the way. hanniyah was just silently listening to what we were saying. i, then, asked her, "kaw, han, ano ipaprioritize mo?" expecting her to say that she would give up shopping , or her passion for volleyball or maybe reduce her phone conversations with then boyfriend. to my surprise she said in low voice " siguro ako, ipaprioritize ko si LOrd..." WOW! was that a slap on my face or what!? i don't know if belle or melay got affected by what she said or ever heard it but it created a somersault within me...
after some time of exchanging smiles and hellos as acquaintances, hanniyah and i became friends , got in the same org, shared secrets and dreams, travelled to numerous places as we got deeper together in our prioritizing the Lord. and when i reminded her how she touched my life back then, she could not even remember that particular dialogue we had!

Example 2:
The setting would be in our tambayan in AIT. it was one of those boring afternoons when you would be grateful that you're part of an org, you have a tambayan to stay in and people to hang out with in between classes. it was an unusual day evident by the deafening silence in the usually crowded tambayan. it was just me and my buddy michelle, who later on will be my thesis partner and will share with me the hardships and fun of coming up with that little hardbound piece of idealistic views.
michelle and i were not really close then. we were never classmates but my groupmates in one subject happened to be her groupmates in another. talk about common ground, huh! and so when these fellas joined ecotour, my beloved AIT org, she was designated to be my buddy. then we became part of the same committee and worked in numerous org projects. in our senior year, we broaden our responsibilities and bonding as execomms. then decided to ride the waves as we dig more into surfing for our thesis, together, tested the waters of life, learned the tides each surpassed. i could say that michelle, indeed, is as deep as the ocean, as broad as the horizon, as accommodating as the shore.
ok...rewind..rewind..rewind.. back to that day in the tambayan when we were mere buddies. it seemed that we had no choice that time but to bond and do some story-telling of our lives. she told me a lot about her boyfriend and how she loved him deeply amidst all the pain she had to go through because of him. at that time, my outlook on love was on a weighing scale, could not even decide if i really love the man i was so fond of. i explained to her my fear of getting hurt. the fear that if i give my heart to someone, i give him the right to hurt me as well. so as part of defending myself, i always make an about face whenever i was getting close to "falling". the result, an endless battle within me. just for example, i felt so excited just with the thought that i am gonna see the guy later that day but could not find the same ebullience when i was with him.(told you, a chaotic mind i had!) "lam mo ba kung paano ako nareremind everyday na mahal ko si vince? ", chelle asked. i did not reply, anticipating what she would say next. " kasi kung paano ko gusto na kasama ko siya ngayon, kung gaano ako kaexcited kapag magkikita kami, doblehin mo o triplehin mo pa ang saya ko pag magkasama na kami". and she said this with a look on her face that there is no denying i was speaking with a woman in love. before i left that day, she told me to assesss myself and to try to define the line between being in love with the person and being in love with just the idea of loving.
on her bday last year, i decided to greet her with a friendster testimonial, a part dedicated to thank her for the things she taught me. This, she later on averred as the sweetest testimonial written about her however could not even remember that fateful day in the tambayan.

Example 3
During my early months at work, I was so fond of what i called "my morning coffee with God" just before heading home ( yeah, graveyard shift and all..). I would fill my company-provided mug with steaming coffee and consume it in the RCBC chapel. surrounded by the aroma of the coffee and the scent of sampaguita, i would do my quality time with God. as this was usually at around 5 to 6 in the morning, i found solitace in the chapel thus having the freedom to read my Bible aloud, even talk aloud to myself. okay fine, i admit, sometimes i sing also, enjoying the place's good acoustic, reliving the frustrated singer that i am. lucky me, the guards never checked me out or they might report to my company that they just hired a psycho.
one time, my batchmate albert chase who i fondly called cheska, decided to tag along when he learned about my morning roundabout. after a time of saying our individual prayers, we decided to stay longer. we talked about a lot of things- how he learned that he is gay, how his being a product of a broken family contributed to it, the acceptance and the lack of it from the people around him, the assurance that God loves him just the same and how he viewed himself to be living alone when he's already old and gray.
when it was my turn to do my "dear ate charo" ( the maalalala mo kaya song playing in the background would complete the scene), i told him some secrets only few of my closest friends know, which of course, i will not put here. at a particular one which had been bothering me a lot, he advised me to let loose, that there is nothing wrong if i would say it. he told me to be good to myself, that i do not deserve all the worrying i was going through. "alam mo les, the things you could not express are the things that control you". I could still remember his line. it just kept echoing in my head. the things you could not express are the things that control you... the things you could not express are the things that control you...and yes, that is exactly how i felt - controlled, jailed in my tiny cell, tied up to the ball and chain i've created.
on my way home that day, in between the jammed mrt crowd, i promised to give myself freedom. i wanna break free! (one would have to say this with both arms stretch out a la oblation). gone are the days when i would contain all the emotions within me. and yes, i have the right to make mistakes, to let the world know that i am hurting, to speak my thoughts, to fall in love like there is no tomorrow, to declare what i like and what i despise, to break silence if there is something wrong, and to let go of the strong facade i have been trying to build all these years. i don't wanna see that girl cry again because of the bursting emotions she could not contain but was not able to pronounce thus finding crying as the only outlet. if this overcome-the-things-that-control-you project is the anodyne to my rotting heart, why not? if people will think differently of me because of it, who cares? after all, that liberating tete a tete really made me feel better of myself.
and if you're going to ask me if chase still remembers that chat, forget it! not for him whose memory capacity is nowhere better than mine. we actually agreed that that early, we were already good candidates for alzheimer's.

i could go on babbling more of these "you change my life in a moment" type of confabs like how a friend said that she finds girls to be full of courage and maturity when she can admit to herself that she loved but was not loved back. or how one explained to me that love, indeed, is a choice. this, for the longest time, i have been trying to deny because of my clinging to my butterflies-in-the-stomach, too romatic notion of love. and a friend would always say that she will never forget the time i uttered "i would always enjoy the company of friends i dine out and have fun with. pero mas vinavalue ko pa din yung mga taong nakaramay ko sa pagkain ng sardinas." (of course, this is in the context that we can only spare 10 pesos at that time for our meal, and not stereotyping sardinas as a food for the "brokes"). and these type of talks continues to amaze me like the lines were written intently for the climactic scenes in the soap operas.

so what exactly is my point? well, i came to a realization that words, which we thought are just ordinary part of our daily existence, evident by the fact that some people could not even remember they said those, can actually change life. and so we should be careful in choosing the words that would come out of our lips. and just as i learned how these affected my life should make me conscious of the words i say. i sould be reminded that i always have a choice to say lines that could make an impact in a person's life positively rather than the opposite. and though i cannot say that i can now face life's challenges with aplomb, the lessons from these people would help me to face those yet to come in a somehow more mature manner ( i hope so...)

oh yes, one more thing, i learned that my being a forgetful leslie is somehow normal (again, i hope so...) ;-)