the letter

dear mom,

there's something i gotta tell you. something that has been going on with me for like days, weeks, maybe a month or two. a "phase" i don't know exactly how, why and when it started...i know i've been through something like this before but i never thought this one could be so strong that it has already been eating me out. well, maybe because i never told a single soul about it, and before i realized, it had already taken control over me. for once in my life, i don't want to be the responsible woman i thought i am or that i'm making myself to be. i just want to be that little child i had set aside in my pursuit to take control of the situation. that little child who can just cry and be weak without the feeling of guilt afterwards.

i don't know if you will be able to read this. i hope not coz it might just bring up disappointments in you about me. i don't want that to happen, of course. i know i am your source of strength and i would want it to remain that way. same goes for the rest of the family and for people who, as well, matters so much to me. but sometimes, as much as you would want to give, you can give no more because you have already given your all. it might not be enough but it is already your ALL.

but whether you read this or not, this letter also serves as the punctuation mark or better yet an exclamation point to mark the end of this "phase". i'm not letting go of it ,though, i'm just simply moving forward. i think i don't have a choice but to take responsibility once more, gather up the remaining strength and move forward.

don't worry, though. i'm already working on it and He is working with me which makes every yoke much easier. finally, i just wanna say that i love you so much. that i'm ready to go through everything for you. and i'll be doing that with great joy.

with much love....

So WATz up?

i'm hvaing my "lunch break" ryt now (my friend ben would know what the quotation marks are for) and was planning to sleep but decided not to anymore since Chase had already taken off some minutes of my time asking me to sing songs from the new album of Regine. i dunno why he is so into this "minsan lang kita iibigin song"... haha

anyway, my friends have all gone off (well, not all of my friends but a lot of them) to laguna for a youth camp called SWAT. it is a camp to learn how to evangelize the Word and God knows what i would trade just to be in that camp right now...but then i'm caught in this office on the 28th floor.. i really need that, the camp, i mean. most especially at times when i would be caught up in a situation where i dunno what approach to take/do. and plus the fact that it is like telling yourself and the world that you would want to be an instrument for God..

i can't help but be reminded of the camp we organized two summers ago in bohol.. that was amazing and God really worked through us in various ways although we are not really prepared ourselves.. hay, the memories just make me want to be in laguna right now.. but then as ate v put it.. maybe the Lord will teach mem His ways in another way/ form.. maybe (and hopefully) there will be another camp where i can certainly join.. or maybe i am already in the process of learning them in my daily walk.. as of right now, all i know is that i want to serve and God knows that desire of my heart and He is already working on it...

i am really missing this bunch of kulit people and i am just continuously praying that they make the most of this opportunity given to them and they will really be moved and will make the movement when they get back...

i should not feel depressed though for not being able to go to laguna.. i know that this bunch of kulits will have a lot of stories to tell, lessons to share and pasalubongs for me to enjoy...

...oh, and the second love as well..

vince 4ever, originally uploaded by leslie12.

do you believe in love at first sight? well, i do! it happened to me in high school... at least in the tv! i just saw this guy and he just took my breath away!! my world started to revolve around him... now, this Vince Hizon guy really took the sanity off me... with two of my best buddies, reggie, who happens to be drooled over bal david (duh! i dunno why) and belle, who is also madly in love with vince, we did all crazy things a fan could do...
1.) mother got angry because of the TOO many posters in your room..
2.) hating dad for saying bad things about vince...
3.) getting into the high school girls' basketball varsity (imagine, practicing every after class, doing all the warm-ups, sweating to death when in fact, duh, you are a high school girl! you should be all fresh and mabango... anyway, no regrets, i really like the sports apart from its players!)...
4.) consider the number 12 as a fave number, putting it in the jersey, scribbling the number in your notes, vandalizing the number in the cr...
5.) signing in his fans club (duh!)...
6.) learning the life stories of Mikee Cojuangco, Dodot Jaworski, (his friends) and Toni Leviste (his ex)...
7.) waiting until 12 midnight to watch Sports Unlimited (his tv program with Dianne Castillejo)...(and i have to say, mother also got angry about this)...
8.) getting serious into taking up Brod Comm to be a PBA anchor someday...
9.) spending half of allowance buying paraphernalias of a fan-- magazines, posters, mugs, shirts, caps etc....
10.) and this, when Ginebra team went to Cabanatuan City, my dear hometown, went to the mall very early in the morning with friends (mall was not even open yet) to be in a stampede of fellow fans. at about 3 pm, the team came. but because a fan pulled vince causing his shirt to tear off, he didn't went off the van.. well, to make it short, i did not see even his shadow, or a tip of his head...

that day, i promised myself vince and i will meet someday face to face... and guess what ? we did!! i was in my last year in UP and there was this concert /fashion show contest in AIT (my beloved college) and he was gonna be there as an endorser of a new line of clothing with some other celebrities and with now wife, Patricia... no i did not do the ramp but designed the stuff for the female model representing my org... i was not even finished putting the final furnishings to the dress when belle came.. "Les, omigosh, andiyan na si vince!" keber na sa model di ba! i went out, saw him, mesmerized by his presence, never thought that the high school dream would actually come true... the fashion show went well, i, never realizing what was going on around because eyes are glued to him, my dearest Vince... the next thing i know, our entry for the show won! but the best thing is that when i called his name when he was just few feet away and HE LOOKED AT ME AND SMILED!!!!
butterflies in the stomach, stars all around, the world froze, yup! it was love!

now, i can only look back at those wonderful years of being a fan of VinceHizon and Allan Caidic! i dunno what's going on with their lives right now.. but i will forever be a fan of these two great men of my life...

first love never dies...

caidic,
originally uploaded by leslie12.

Though I started having crushes when i was in Kinder, it was only(!) in grade 4 that love came my way. when all of my girl classmates were busy with collecting stationeries and colored pens, i found addiction in basketball. at recess, i would find myself hanging with the boys talking about the last night's game of Ginebra and San Miguel. I had a great adoration for the Triggerman, Allan Caidic. Well, who would not? This 1987 Rookie of the Year and 1990 MVP was considered Asia's most feared trifecta icon and is one of the world's best three-point shooters. Imagine making 79 points in a game, 21 of those are all 3 point shots! He is just so amazing!
I would say that a lot of men came into my life (huwat?!) but my heart will always go back to my first love...

LaLa Fish Crackers and Zesto Mango Nectar and High School Boys

i've been enjoying a lot of this 3-day off from work.. there are just so many things that i could do... grabe, sarap! sunday was of course for the Lord.. went straight to Church from work (without a bath) to practice for choir...ya, of course, i had to endure my friends' endless pang-asars about that. hay, this people are just real pains in my (beautiful)ass. was not offended though. ganyan talaga sila maglambing... how sweet di ba? (hahaha!!) do you know that feeling that you would want to kill them all yet you just love them so much (and i know that they do love me a lot too!)? i know, suzanne could v. much relate (anyway, that v. thing, that means very. got that from Bridget Jones' The End of Reason, thanks Chase!)...
got to go to Montalban too, well kandirit that is... Oh Ben, may kasalanan ako sa iyo... well, not only to you but to your family as well... tell you nxt time.
i went home and slept until like almost forever...got back to the care of my dear mom...so bored though. so i'm here, doing this crazy and nonsense stuff in front of computer.. with only LaLa Fish Crackers and Zesto Mango Nectar juice to accompany my existence...oh and of course, i'm surrounded by high school boys playing those computer games i haven't tried ever... duh, i don't think i will enjoy it... i can see a lot of bloods in their screen... gosh, how violent these games could be! but i think this one beside me got a crush on me.. hahaha...he stepped on my foot and kept saying sorry for like four times with pa-cute smile... hahaha. hope he is not looking at my screen. baka mabasa niya and will think ang kapal ko naman.. hahaha... these high school boys talaga, kala nila binata na talaga sila... way to go man! well, ako din naman e akala ko nung high school, binata na yung mga classmates ko...
gosh, am going circles here... gotta go home and watch these cds i've rented... ciao!

movie marathon 1

been making a long list of the things that i would want to accomplish. these are simple things in life that i do want but does not have or have not done yet.

last tuesday, i happened to do one of them - get myself a membership in a video shops and rent movies i have missed...

hahaha.. tuesday nyt was a movie marathon at its best...
i'm watching alone up until 4 am...3 movies in a row... feeling mushy though the films are really romantic comedies... duh...

one thing i've noticed after watching the 3 of them.... they actually reflect me and my life...

THIRD MOVIE --- VIEW FROM THE TOP

now i don't have plans of being a flight attendant.. baka kasi magcrash di pa naman ako marunong lumangoy.. well, not that i can't take a plane.. i know i will someday and i would love to.. it's just that pag magcrash na yung plane, a might really not be able to do the respo of an FA and still attend to the passengers.. baka isave ko na sarili ko...

but then, like Gwyneth in the flick, i would also love to travel and explore the world.. hmmm.. this film just ignited the tourism side of me..

and like her, whatever it is in my life, whether, career, family, faith, lovelife.. i would always want it "Paris , First Class, international"

SECOND MOVIE --- MAID IN MANHATTAN

this one naman is one of those Cinderella stories.. yah, yah i know i've seen a lot of those but i always have a soft spot for Cinderella stories...

plus the fact that this story revolves in a hotel---very, very close to my heart....

FIRST MOVIE --- RUNAWAY BRIDE

"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me. "
--- Richard Gere in the movie saying what he thought would be a perfect proposal

shocks!!! now this could really melt your heart ( hey, i'm getting mushy again)
well, i really liked the other two better than this movie but i like this because they are always fighting (w/c to me is really cute) and that i really could relate with Julia Roberts in here... afraid, too afraid... grrrr to myself!!

ask, seek, knock

been contemplating lately...
life has been so tiring...
loneliness in the middle of a crowd...
laughing yet killing yourself inside...
thinking you are just okay...
world making you realize otherwise...
when you learned of it, you are already drowned...
being a lot of things to others...
being helpless for yourself...
lots of people around...
no one to talk to...
thinking no one of them will understand...
can't even understand yourself...
a rollercoaster ride...
lots of highs and lows...
when at high, asking for more...
when at low, never imagined self to be feeling that low...
you are strong, aren't you?...

"ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. "
matt 7:7

but then

"when you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. "
james 4:3

should check my motives...
gotta contemplate more...

1st

first time i saw you (wiseguys)


The first time I saw you
You were standing in the rain
There was something about you
That made me look again
The way that you let the rain
Fall down on you
The way that you smile
When your eyes met mine
Ooh,ooh...

CHORUS
I'll always remember
I'll never forget
How you took my breath away
The first time we met
No matter what happens
No matter what you do
I'll always remember
The first time I saw you

Now we're together
Said you'd take me by surprise
Little things that you say and do
So new to me each time
The way that you make me feel
Reminds me of the very first time
When your eyes met mine


i don't know wha't's the connection with the song . this just always comes to mind when we talk of the word "first" . you see, this is the first post....
duh.. no sense at all...