i have learned... (2004 edition)

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED....

another year just passed and this post, i guess, is just the perfect way to end the year.
aside from learning how to blog, 2004 taught me a lot of things about life. and as i look back in the year that was, i could say that it was a wonderful one indeed, full of life-changing events.

so many things happened. struggled for studies, graduated, searched for a job, landed in one, met new friends, rekindled old ones, laughed, cried, had abundance, been broke, had life's great depressions, been into a lot of emotional highs, etc.. etc...

i would say that this is a very crucial year for me, in a lot of my life's aspects...

now let me revise one of my favorite emails from my batchmates and put it in here as i tell you the things i have learned for the year.... some of them i learned through own experience, some by watching the life of people around me...

so sit back , relax, reminisce and learn as i tell you what 2004 has taught me about...


LOVE

-that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be love. The rest is up to them.
- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
- that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
- that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.


FRIENDSHIP

- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.


SELF

- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
- that no matter what the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
- that you can keep going long after you think you can.
- that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.


PEOPLE

- that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
- that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
- that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.


LIFE

- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
- that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better know something.
- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
- that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.


FORGIVENESS

- that learning to forgive takes practice.
- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.


FAMILY

- that as much as they would want to, your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related with can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.
- that there really is no place like home.
- that no matter how you would dislike them sometimes and however difficult they may be, they are still the most important people in your life.


SUCCESS

- that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
- that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
- that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

a lesson learned at christmas eve

christmas won't be the same without you...
christmas won't be the same if you're gone...
all i need to see standing by my christmas tree is you..
christmas won't be the same without you...

my idea of a perfect christmas is to spend it with you...
in a party or dinner for two...
anywhere would do...

oh i just want him for my own
more than you could ever known
make my wish come true...
baby all i want for christmas is you...


good for me, none of these songs were played on Christmas eve or i could have burst into tears and laughter at the same time
( in a very mad girl manner)

first time ever that i was not able to spend the christmas with my family. actually, it was just my mom, my sis and my cousin who were in the house that eve. i was at work and dad had to go to Pampanga to be with my lolo. it was my lolo's first Christmas since my grandma died so dad, with his siblings (8 bros and a sis) decided to spend christmas with my lolo, except of course for those who are in abroad and one who has a tampo. unfortunately, mom and sis could not go due to some responsibilities here.

work was good. everyone seemed to be excited to spend christmas at the office. they even had pakulos like raffle of GCs with DVD as the main prize ( as expected, i had no luck with raffles!).
they also gave us a bountiful noche buena.
trying to make up for snatching us away from our families.

at exactly 12, everyone was giggly and excited. hugs, kisses and greetings. hugs, kisses and greetings.

i dialed our number. michelle picked up the phone. she was still up but mom was already asleep. had i been in the house, i would wake up everyone and insist that we share the food and exchange gifts.
well, not this year. my sis woke mom up.
had to bit my lip as i greeted her merry christmas.
i felt just how much my mom would want me to be home.
this is weird for her as well, i know.

since i could remember, she always had dad with her on christmas eve, either having noche buena or deeply asleep in his arms on those years when they would tell me they were too lazy to wake up for the eve. oh yes, after i worked hard and had my nose black for those BBQs! but my sis and i would just make lambing and hug them and lay between them with my dad pushing us away then he'd hug my mom again. then i would just stare at those two sleepyheads for some time and just tell myself "how sweet!". these were the moments that proved to me how my parents love each other despite the daily fights ( and i mean daily!).
then i would tell myself that someday i would find a man who would love me deeply and who i would unconditionally love as well however different we may be.

for our family, this year was way different. and however i denied it to myself , i know i felt lonely. not alone though because deep within me, even we were not together, i felt so loved.

i called milky as well, as promised, but unfortunately for her, she had a call at christmas eve.

i always dreamt of a perfect christmas when i will be with all, as in all, my loved ones. may it be family, close friends, special someone, long lost friends, other important people in my life. lahat! and we will share a simple but nice meal. then we will gather around and give gifts to each other. together we will say our prayer of thanksgiving to the one who should be the star of our every Christmas tree.
Well, who knows this dream might come true someday...

One thing that the Lord taught me this Christmas is to really value my family. I know i don't have a perfect one. Way far than being so. but these are the people who cared for me, who raised me, who loved me even before i learned what love is about. who are praying everyday for just the best for me. who i will never trade for anything in this world.

and who i will be with next Christmas eve.
i will make sure of that!

back to reality

after 6 days off my work, i'm now back to the reality that yes, i am a working girl...
the moment i filed the VL (vacation leave) forms, i told myself that i would really make most of the 6 days..hello! i deserve this break... imagine yourself starting to report for work the day after your graduation.. whew! i should have bummed around for a couple of weeks. i just realized that work has no sem breaks, no christmas offs. the only way to have a break is to work for your vacation leave. amazing!


got to do a lot of things within the 6 days though...

*wore my flowery skirt and strutted it around the campus (thanks suzanne!)..
*...pigged out with roommates milky and lao along maginhawa...
*got to experience carols by candlelight for the first time but was too tired, too tired...zzzzzzzzz...
*in eastwood...
*frustrated cheering for a volleyball game for ian and ben(how i would love to scream my lungs out!) hey ben, kelan ka pa naging ie club? hehehe.. well, for the love of the game..
*stargazed with a little of jogging (thanks to jp and andres for the company and for the water)...
*a real jog the following night...
*got to watch "birth" and no, he was not sean!...
*visited another church, a very amazing experience indeed!..
*overnight sa tambayan...
*sambang umaga (and of course, the breakfast after the service)...
*did preparations for Molave outreach though was not able to help at the outreach itself, thanks to my very fashionable sleeveless outfit! hahaha! but tiara and i made a great team...
*gave gift and received one ( actually two, love them both!)
*glimpses of lantern parade and ms. eng'g...as in glimpses lang talaga!....
*videoke, my real love!...
*frustrated ice skating.. awww.. =(... hmmm.. let's just say jp and i just went to megamall to buy a pair of socks...
*movie marathon with fried chicken and carbonara.. yum!yum!...

i surely was having a lot of fun...
and then BOOM!
back to reality...

sweetest lines from movies

oh guys... let's get mushy!
pick your favorite lines...

The only wrong thing would be to deny what your
heart truly feels.
> > ---THE MASK OF ZORRO

You will see a lot of things, but they will mean
nothing to you if you lose sight of the one you love.
> > ---AT FIRST SIGHT

If you love someone you say it...you say it right
then, out loud...or the moment just...passes you by.
> > ---MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING

I would rather have had
One breath of her hair,
One kiss from her mouth,
One touch of her hand,
Than an eternity without it...
> > ---CITY OF ANGELS

You will be doing anything
For the one you love...
Except love them again.
> > ---FAITHFUL

Fate exists but it can only take you so far,
Because once you're there
It's up to you to make it happen.
> > ---CAN'T HARDLY WAIT

When you've found that person you want to spend
the rest of ur life with,
you want the rest of ur life to begin right away."
> > ---When Harry Met Sally

"Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you
walk away with nothing."
> > ---Ally McBeal

I hate the way you talk to me And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick --
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh --
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way
I don't hate you --
Not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.
(Kat Startford)
> > ---10 Things I Hate About You

"if two people are meant for each other, it doesnt
mean that they are meant for each other NOW."
Pacey Whitter
> > ---"DAWSON'S CREEK"

Lois: You know, if somebody had asked me three
days ago who the one person
in the world I admired most was, I'd have said
you. But, without really
knowing what that meant. Without understanding
that the hardest thing about
being you is all the things you can't do. All the
cries for help that you
can't answer, and how that quietly tears you
apart. But it never stops
you. And after living a little of that myself, I realized
something...something I never thought was possible.
Clark: What?
Lois: I love you more. More than I ever have and
more than I ever thought I could love anyone, and so, I wanna ask ... Will you marry me?
> > ---LOIS AND CLARK

I know it's a cornball thing, but love is
passion,obsession, someone you
can't live without. If you don't start with that,
what are you going to
end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find
someone you love like crazy
and who'll love you the same way back. And how do
you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart...
Run the risk, if you get hurt,
you'll come back. Because the truth is, there is
no sense living your life
without this. To make the journey and not fall
deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try. Because if you haven't
tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows?
Lightning could strike.
> > ---MEET JOE BLACK

Man: "Will you love me for the rest of my life?"
Woman: "I will love you for the rest of mine."
> > ---PHENOMENON

I guarantee it won't be easy I guarantee that at
one point or another One of us is going to want to leave.
But I also guarantee that If I don't ask
you to be mine I am going to regret it For the
rest of my life Because I know in my heart
You are the only one for me.
> > ---RUNAWAY BRIDE

Dear Catherine,
I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in so long.
I feel I've been lost. No bearings, no compass.
I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess.
I've never been lost before. You were my true north.
I could always steer for home when you were my home. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake's been made and I'm waiting for God to take it back.
But I'm doing better now. The work helps me.
Most of all,you help me.
You came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child.
All I remember from the dream is a feeling of peace.
I woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it
alive as long as I could.
I'm writing to tell you that I'm on a journey toward that peace.
And to tell you I'm sorry about so many things.
I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you so that
you never spent one minute being cold or scared or sick.
I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find the words to tell you
what I was feeling. I'm sorry I never fixed the screen door.
I fixed it now.I'm sorry I ever fought with you. I'm sorry I didn't apologize more. I Was too proud. I'm sorry I didn't bring you more compliments on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair. I'm sorry I didn't hold on to you with so much strength that even God couldn't pull you away.
All my love. G.
> > ---MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

"The only feeling of real loss is when you love
someone, more than you love yourself."
> > ---GOOD WILL HUNTING

"I love that you get cold when its 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like i'm nuts. I love that after i spend a day with you, i can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
and i love that you are the last person i want to talk to before
i go to sleep at night. and it's not because i'm lonely,
and it's not because it's new Year's eve. i came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
> > ---WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

When you love someone,And you love them with your heart,
It never disappears when you're apart.
When you love someone and you've done all you can do,
You set them free.
And if that love was true, When you love someone
It will all come back to you
> > ---FORGET PARIS

You cannot find true love where it does not truly exist.
And you cannot hide it here it truly does.
> > ---KISSING A FOOL

I created my very own first breakup rule:
Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy.
Breakup rule No. 2: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.
Breakup rule No. 3: Never stop thinking about him, even for a moment. because that's the moment he'll appear.
And finally, the most important breakup rule:
No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal,
you'll never get through it without your friends.
> > ---Carrie, from SEX AND THE CITY

" i miss you so much it hurts"
> > ---SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

"Half my days i cannot bear not to touch you,
the rest of the time i feel
it doesn't matter if i ever see you again.
It isn't the mortality, it is how much you can bear....."
> > ---THE ENGLISH PATIENT

Do you believe in love? I bet you don't, you're
probably too sensible for that.
Have you ever seen someone and you know that if only that person
really know you, they'd dump the perfect model
they were with and realize that you are the one they want to grow old with? Have you ever fallen in
love with someone you've never talked to?
Have you ever been so alone you
spent the night confusing a guy in a coma?
> > ---WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary
love is a waste of your time.
there are too many mediocre things in life
to deal with and love
shouldn't be one of them."
> > ---A DREAM FOR AN INSOMNIAC

"i'm here to love you, to hold you in my arms and to protect you.
i'm here to learn from you and to receive your love in return.
i'm here coz there's no other place to be."
> > ---MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what
I saw, of what I did,of who I am. And most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."
> > ---DIRTY DANCING


"It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love while at the back of our minds we know that the person
we trully love will always be an exception"
> > ---Ally McBeal

"how can you assume to be friends with someone
when all you think about when you look at him is how much more you really want?"
> > -joey, DAWSON'S CREEK

if two people love each other, but just cant seem
to put things together, when would that point be..
when one would say enough is enough? NEVER.
> > ---THE MEXICAN

"So this is love...so this is what makes life
divine. I'm all aglow, and now I know.
The key to all heaven is mine. My heart has wings, and I can
fly. I'll touch every star in the sky. So this is
the miracle, that I've been dreaming of... So this is love."
> > ---CINDERELLA

Don't you understand? That everything I do, I do
for you? Anything that
might be special in me...is you.
> > ---GREAT EXPECTATIONS

One day, you look at the person and see more than
you did the day before, like a switch was flickered somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with.
> > -Xfiles (series)

I feel like the best version of myself when i'm
with you... and that makes me doubt everything else.
> > ---KEEPING THE FAITH

Is it possible to be just friends with someone i
have these sort of non-moderate feelings for?...
Or am I doomed forever to just be in love
and ultimately significantly hurt?
> > -Felicity

"There are some people who meet that somebody that
they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try.
I wouldn't expect you to understand that,
or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we
should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you
forever."
> > --- Ally Mc Beal

"When you kiss someone,everything around you becomes hazy...
and the only thing in focus is you and this person...
And you realize that this person
is the only person you should be kissing
for the rest of your life...
And for one moment, you get, this amazing gift...
And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry...
Cuz you feel so lucky that you've found it
and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time..."
> > ---NEVER BEEN KISSED

With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls. [shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this [picture of a mummy]. Merry Christmas!
> > ---LOVE ACTUALLY

a creamier life with milky

even if there's coffeemate around, i will still choose milky...corny, i know, but i'm just living up to what is expected of me whenever i'm with milky...

yup! we are "neighbors" in yakal. milky's room is actually sandwiched between lao's and mine. i have already been exchanging small talks and smiles with the two ladies but who would have thought that we would end up not just sharing rooms, but sharing lives?

my first retreat with upcym also gave me my first doze of milky. this lead to a lot of memorable bonding moments that grew into a wonderful friendship. the NBSB days, room hoppings in yakal, going to sbf together, going home after the sbf, heart to heart talks regarding matters of the hearts, sharing deepest secrets, doing devos together, sharing frustrations about self, planning for the future, telling the great dreams, crying together, crying for the other if someone is in pain and wanted to cry but couldn't.. i could go on and on... but one things for sure, my life would be less creamy if milky is not around..

basta milks always remember, LIBYA
L- life
I- is
B- beautiful
Y- you
A- also

corny no! galing kay milky yan.. hay!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! love you =)

letting go to lessen the pain

I have been taking advantage of my vacation leaves from work. wow! finally i have a lot more time for rest, for my family, for friends, fo fun, for sleeping, for just lying in bed, for spending time with my two rum8s, for my quiet time.. and yes, the more i spend time with the Lord, the more lessons He has been revealing to me and that would be in a span of 4 days off work. allow me to share them to you but not in this post. as for this one, let me quote a very nice message on letting go and yes, this would be regarding my fave subject.. hehehe.. ano pa nga ba?

The love that brings us pain should be the same love that would heal our hearts. When you love so much that it begins to hurt, then you have to learn to let go to lessen your pain. Love hurts, and sometimes it hurts like there is no tomorrow.

No matter how battered and stricken we have been, there will always be a tomorrow that will bring hope and love. But that tomorrow will never come unless we leave the past behind and live today as we should.

Let the pain remain for a while and let the tears fall as they please. Then after all that, move on and find your place in this world where you will feel that everything is going to be all right.

when i saw you in pain, you just don't know how it broke my heart as well. i was in a difficult situation of wanting happiness for you but at the same time i can't just allow you to go for it as it was an unsure state of bringing you happiness or leading you to a deeper pain.
i'm happy seeing you moved on as this to me is the wisest thing to do. however, i don't want to see you grow bitter about love. uh-uh! as it is one great feeling! so magnificent a feeling! and if that is not the one for you, i'm sure a better one will come. God is in control! and i'm so excited seeing you start again.

girlfriends

kinder
Originally uploaded by leslie12.

i received an email once about a story of a mother who once said to her daughter, "Don't forget your
girlfriends," she advised, "No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you'll have, you are still going to need girlfriends. They'll be more important as you get older".

i completely agree. and this is not underestimating the friendship i have with my male buddies. this is to say that womanhood is something special shared among girlfriends. and as much as i enjoy being with my male friends because they are cool, makulit, funny, gentlemen, and protective, there is something about my girl friends that i will not trade.

i am lucky enough to say that i've found real and genuine friendship with girls. i know that when i am all gray and fat, i have female buds who will still stick with me doing the things i enjoy the most.

why should you value girlfriends?.. hmm... for a lot of reasons..

Girlfriends bring you casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you need help.
Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets.
Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it; sometimes you don't.
Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually honest.
Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.
Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don't need canned jokes to start the laughter.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends help you get out of bad relationships.
Girlfriends help you look for a new apartment, help you pack, and help you move.
Girlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes.
Girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and when the hard times come.
Girlfriends will drive through blizzards,rainstorms,hail, heat, and gloom of night to get to you when your hour of need is desperate.
Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.
Girlfriends cry with you when someone you loved dies.
Girlfriends support you when the men in your life let you down.
Girlfriends help you pick up the pieces when men pack up and go.
Girlfriends rejoice at what makes you happy, and are ready to go out and kill what makes you unhappy.

-anonymous

When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.

My girlfriends, including my mom, my sis, my cousins, bless my life. The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.

i'm so excited to spend the rest of my years with my girlfriends knowing that they will stick with me and i will do just the same. cheers to you girls!

the letter 2

the letter i was not able to give....

the letter i should have written a long time ago..
the letter to end it all, the agony, the worries..
the letter that took me the whole day to think of what it should contain and how the words should be put..
the card is waiting, the pen was just as ready, things on my mind... but i just can't write it..
an hour before going home, i finally decided to write .. no, i would have it computerized.. i might not have the strength to scribble the words, the so many words i have to say..

i would want to say everything in it. but i can't. it might hurt and that was the last thing i would want to do..
so i wrote the letter telling the important details, leaving the more important ones behind...
words were igniting the pain but i can't cry...
not here in this computer shop, not when friends were just around the corner..
not anymore as i committed to the Lord during last Sunday's service that that will be the last time I would cry about it...
i have cried enough...

after a long travel, i was finally home... in front of the gate with a lot of hesitations to enter...
"Lord, help!..."
hesitations to open the gate.. no turning back, she already saw me..
smiles and hellos...
everything was just normal, doing good so far..
then she said the magic question...
i can't answer. i said "Later.." as it should be delayed. the letter will do the talking for me..

i waited for the talk i was imagining to happen...
the night ended peacefully... to my amusement, everything was just normal as if nothing happened.
actually, it seems better than the normal...
weird but was too tired to think...
some daydreamings , then slept...

morning came.. .
the magic question again...
i answered a very straight answer, half-truth half-lie
making her believe that that was just it...
i could not tell her...
i wanted to explain...
but before i even tried, she already understood...

HBs: handsome boys or hangin boys?

HBs: alfred and jp
Originally uploaded by leslie12.

paguwapuhan o? hahaha...
last sunday, i got the priviledge (duh!) to spend a Starbucks night with these two guys... yup, i know what you are thinking.. ang isa nga lang di mo na kakayanin sa "whew! ang hangin!" power, pagsamahin pa ba sila...haha..
I call them now the HBs, as they refer themselves as such.

that night was pretty amazing! i had a nice chat with these boys. a real talk i had after a long time... i learned a lot from you and salamat, mga tsong!.. alam niyo na yun..

HBs (alfred and jp) with Leslie, originally uploaded by leslie12.

the letter

dear mom,

there's something i gotta tell you. something that has been going on with me for like days, weeks, maybe a month or two. a "phase" i don't know exactly how, why and when it started...i know i've been through something like this before but i never thought this one could be so strong that it has already been eating me out. well, maybe because i never told a single soul about it, and before i realized, it had already taken control over me. for once in my life, i don't want to be the responsible woman i thought i am or that i'm making myself to be. i just want to be that little child i had set aside in my pursuit to take control of the situation. that little child who can just cry and be weak without the feeling of guilt afterwards.

i don't know if you will be able to read this. i hope not coz it might just bring up disappointments in you about me. i don't want that to happen, of course. i know i am your source of strength and i would want it to remain that way. same goes for the rest of the family and for people who, as well, matters so much to me. but sometimes, as much as you would want to give, you can give no more because you have already given your all. it might not be enough but it is already your ALL.

but whether you read this or not, this letter also serves as the punctuation mark or better yet an exclamation point to mark the end of this "phase". i'm not letting go of it ,though, i'm just simply moving forward. i think i don't have a choice but to take responsibility once more, gather up the remaining strength and move forward.

don't worry, though. i'm already working on it and He is working with me which makes every yoke much easier. finally, i just wanna say that i love you so much. that i'm ready to go through everything for you. and i'll be doing that with great joy.

with much love....

So WATz up?

i'm hvaing my "lunch break" ryt now (my friend ben would know what the quotation marks are for) and was planning to sleep but decided not to anymore since Chase had already taken off some minutes of my time asking me to sing songs from the new album of Regine. i dunno why he is so into this "minsan lang kita iibigin song"... haha

anyway, my friends have all gone off (well, not all of my friends but a lot of them) to laguna for a youth camp called SWAT. it is a camp to learn how to evangelize the Word and God knows what i would trade just to be in that camp right now...but then i'm caught in this office on the 28th floor.. i really need that, the camp, i mean. most especially at times when i would be caught up in a situation where i dunno what approach to take/do. and plus the fact that it is like telling yourself and the world that you would want to be an instrument for God..

i can't help but be reminded of the camp we organized two summers ago in bohol.. that was amazing and God really worked through us in various ways although we are not really prepared ourselves.. hay, the memories just make me want to be in laguna right now.. but then as ate v put it.. maybe the Lord will teach mem His ways in another way/ form.. maybe (and hopefully) there will be another camp where i can certainly join.. or maybe i am already in the process of learning them in my daily walk.. as of right now, all i know is that i want to serve and God knows that desire of my heart and He is already working on it...

i am really missing this bunch of kulit people and i am just continuously praying that they make the most of this opportunity given to them and they will really be moved and will make the movement when they get back...

i should not feel depressed though for not being able to go to laguna.. i know that this bunch of kulits will have a lot of stories to tell, lessons to share and pasalubongs for me to enjoy...

...oh, and the second love as well..

vince 4ever, originally uploaded by leslie12.

do you believe in love at first sight? well, i do! it happened to me in high school... at least in the tv! i just saw this guy and he just took my breath away!! my world started to revolve around him... now, this Vince Hizon guy really took the sanity off me... with two of my best buddies, reggie, who happens to be drooled over bal david (duh! i dunno why) and belle, who is also madly in love with vince, we did all crazy things a fan could do...
1.) mother got angry because of the TOO many posters in your room..
2.) hating dad for saying bad things about vince...
3.) getting into the high school girls' basketball varsity (imagine, practicing every after class, doing all the warm-ups, sweating to death when in fact, duh, you are a high school girl! you should be all fresh and mabango... anyway, no regrets, i really like the sports apart from its players!)...
4.) consider the number 12 as a fave number, putting it in the jersey, scribbling the number in your notes, vandalizing the number in the cr...
5.) signing in his fans club (duh!)...
6.) learning the life stories of Mikee Cojuangco, Dodot Jaworski, (his friends) and Toni Leviste (his ex)...
7.) waiting until 12 midnight to watch Sports Unlimited (his tv program with Dianne Castillejo)...(and i have to say, mother also got angry about this)...
8.) getting serious into taking up Brod Comm to be a PBA anchor someday...
9.) spending half of allowance buying paraphernalias of a fan-- magazines, posters, mugs, shirts, caps etc....
10.) and this, when Ginebra team went to Cabanatuan City, my dear hometown, went to the mall very early in the morning with friends (mall was not even open yet) to be in a stampede of fellow fans. at about 3 pm, the team came. but because a fan pulled vince causing his shirt to tear off, he didn't went off the van.. well, to make it short, i did not see even his shadow, or a tip of his head...

that day, i promised myself vince and i will meet someday face to face... and guess what ? we did!! i was in my last year in UP and there was this concert /fashion show contest in AIT (my beloved college) and he was gonna be there as an endorser of a new line of clothing with some other celebrities and with now wife, Patricia... no i did not do the ramp but designed the stuff for the female model representing my org... i was not even finished putting the final furnishings to the dress when belle came.. "Les, omigosh, andiyan na si vince!" keber na sa model di ba! i went out, saw him, mesmerized by his presence, never thought that the high school dream would actually come true... the fashion show went well, i, never realizing what was going on around because eyes are glued to him, my dearest Vince... the next thing i know, our entry for the show won! but the best thing is that when i called his name when he was just few feet away and HE LOOKED AT ME AND SMILED!!!!
butterflies in the stomach, stars all around, the world froze, yup! it was love!

now, i can only look back at those wonderful years of being a fan of VinceHizon and Allan Caidic! i dunno what's going on with their lives right now.. but i will forever be a fan of these two great men of my life...

first love never dies...

caidic,
originally uploaded by leslie12.

Though I started having crushes when i was in Kinder, it was only(!) in grade 4 that love came my way. when all of my girl classmates were busy with collecting stationeries and colored pens, i found addiction in basketball. at recess, i would find myself hanging with the boys talking about the last night's game of Ginebra and San Miguel. I had a great adoration for the Triggerman, Allan Caidic. Well, who would not? This 1987 Rookie of the Year and 1990 MVP was considered Asia's most feared trifecta icon and is one of the world's best three-point shooters. Imagine making 79 points in a game, 21 of those are all 3 point shots! He is just so amazing!
I would say that a lot of men came into my life (huwat?!) but my heart will always go back to my first love...

LaLa Fish Crackers and Zesto Mango Nectar and High School Boys

i've been enjoying a lot of this 3-day off from work.. there are just so many things that i could do... grabe, sarap! sunday was of course for the Lord.. went straight to Church from work (without a bath) to practice for choir...ya, of course, i had to endure my friends' endless pang-asars about that. hay, this people are just real pains in my (beautiful)ass. was not offended though. ganyan talaga sila maglambing... how sweet di ba? (hahaha!!) do you know that feeling that you would want to kill them all yet you just love them so much (and i know that they do love me a lot too!)? i know, suzanne could v. much relate (anyway, that v. thing, that means very. got that from Bridget Jones' The End of Reason, thanks Chase!)...
got to go to Montalban too, well kandirit that is... Oh Ben, may kasalanan ako sa iyo... well, not only to you but to your family as well... tell you nxt time.
i went home and slept until like almost forever...got back to the care of my dear mom...so bored though. so i'm here, doing this crazy and nonsense stuff in front of computer.. with only LaLa Fish Crackers and Zesto Mango Nectar juice to accompany my existence...oh and of course, i'm surrounded by high school boys playing those computer games i haven't tried ever... duh, i don't think i will enjoy it... i can see a lot of bloods in their screen... gosh, how violent these games could be! but i think this one beside me got a crush on me.. hahaha...he stepped on my foot and kept saying sorry for like four times with pa-cute smile... hahaha. hope he is not looking at my screen. baka mabasa niya and will think ang kapal ko naman.. hahaha... these high school boys talaga, kala nila binata na talaga sila... way to go man! well, ako din naman e akala ko nung high school, binata na yung mga classmates ko...
gosh, am going circles here... gotta go home and watch these cds i've rented... ciao!

movie marathon 1

been making a long list of the things that i would want to accomplish. these are simple things in life that i do want but does not have or have not done yet.

last tuesday, i happened to do one of them - get myself a membership in a video shops and rent movies i have missed...

hahaha.. tuesday nyt was a movie marathon at its best...
i'm watching alone up until 4 am...3 movies in a row... feeling mushy though the films are really romantic comedies... duh...

one thing i've noticed after watching the 3 of them.... they actually reflect me and my life...

THIRD MOVIE --- VIEW FROM THE TOP

now i don't have plans of being a flight attendant.. baka kasi magcrash di pa naman ako marunong lumangoy.. well, not that i can't take a plane.. i know i will someday and i would love to.. it's just that pag magcrash na yung plane, a might really not be able to do the respo of an FA and still attend to the passengers.. baka isave ko na sarili ko...

but then, like Gwyneth in the flick, i would also love to travel and explore the world.. hmmm.. this film just ignited the tourism side of me..

and like her, whatever it is in my life, whether, career, family, faith, lovelife.. i would always want it "Paris , First Class, international"

SECOND MOVIE --- MAID IN MANHATTAN

this one naman is one of those Cinderella stories.. yah, yah i know i've seen a lot of those but i always have a soft spot for Cinderella stories...

plus the fact that this story revolves in a hotel---very, very close to my heart....

FIRST MOVIE --- RUNAWAY BRIDE

"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me. "
--- Richard Gere in the movie saying what he thought would be a perfect proposal

shocks!!! now this could really melt your heart ( hey, i'm getting mushy again)
well, i really liked the other two better than this movie but i like this because they are always fighting (w/c to me is really cute) and that i really could relate with Julia Roberts in here... afraid, too afraid... grrrr to myself!!

ask, seek, knock

been contemplating lately...
life has been so tiring...
loneliness in the middle of a crowd...
laughing yet killing yourself inside...
thinking you are just okay...
world making you realize otherwise...
when you learned of it, you are already drowned...
being a lot of things to others...
being helpless for yourself...
lots of people around...
no one to talk to...
thinking no one of them will understand...
can't even understand yourself...
a rollercoaster ride...
lots of highs and lows...
when at high, asking for more...
when at low, never imagined self to be feeling that low...
you are strong, aren't you?...

"ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. "
matt 7:7

but then

"when you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. "
james 4:3

should check my motives...
gotta contemplate more...

1st

first time i saw you (wiseguys)


The first time I saw you
You were standing in the rain
There was something about you
That made me look again
The way that you let the rain
Fall down on you
The way that you smile
When your eyes met mine
Ooh,ooh...

CHORUS
I'll always remember
I'll never forget
How you took my breath away
The first time we met
No matter what happens
No matter what you do
I'll always remember
The first time I saw you

Now we're together
Said you'd take me by surprise
Little things that you say and do
So new to me each time
The way that you make me feel
Reminds me of the very first time
When your eyes met mine


i don't know wha't's the connection with the song . this just always comes to mind when we talk of the word "first" . you see, this is the first post....
duh.. no sense at all...