Why Do I Love Him?

(i've been reveling much of other people's mushiness lately. it just brings out the romantic side of me i once lost.. well, maybe it comes with the age.. anyway, this is one of my faves..)

Why Do I Love Him?
Contributed by babyanne (Edited by blue_kuko)


Why do I love him?
Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for him, let alone explain why I love him. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.

Why do I love him?

I guess I just do. I love him just because. I love him just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.

I love him.

I love him because he's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic guy I have ever known in my entire life. I love him because he's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love him because he's so cool he's hot.

I love him because he makes me smile. I love him because he makes me laugh. I love him because he makes me happy. I love him because he's the one and only guy who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love him because he accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.

I love him for being my friend. I love him because I could be whatever I want to be in front of him. I love him because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.

I love him because I feel safe when I am with him. I love him because we are comfortable with each other. I love him for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love him for offering his shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.

I love him for telling me not to drink too much alcohol, then pretending to be mad at me when I did drink too much. I love him for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love him for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love him for those times when he would call or text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting him, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing him, like he has gone psychic all of a sudden.

I love him for the kilig moments we had. I love him for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love him for making me feel special. I love him for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love him for making me feel. I love him for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love him for making me feel alive.

So, why do I love him?

I love him because he's all of these and more. So much more. I love him because he's everything. He's everything...but mine.

his silhouette

happy birthday, sweetie.....

a dream come true

one time, i was scanning through sunday paper when i saw a familiar figure - vince hizon, adorably wearing a mr. incredible costume for a fashion show of celebrities with their pets. there he was with a pug named "Jawo" wearing its own version of the superhero suit. of course, the picture would not be complete without the better half, his mrs. incredible, patricia "shaan" bermudez.

though i have been a big fan of vince, i barely know shaan. she came into vince's life at the time when i had to concentrate on my own life instead of his. I was not so fond of her or with any other girls linked with vince. i'd say i was a very jealous fan.

the very first time i saw shaan was the same time i first saw vince in the flesh - an AIT fashion show, where they were invited as guests/endorsers of a new clothing line. she was not that pretty, i told myself. not a stunner. and for the rest of that night, my friend belle had to endure my endless blabbing on how vince could have chosen someone better. but a look on his handsome face, just seeing how he would hold her hands and how he looked at her a while, told me that he was happy, happy with her. and if vince chose her instead of other girls who would cross live wires just to be in her place (well, you could include me in the list), he probably found something really special about her.



i was looking intently at her picture in that lifestyle page hoping to see that something special when a realization hit me! she actually has the things i used to want...

back in high school, i already planned on taking up broadcast communications. not that i wanted to be a newscaster giving the daily headlines or to be a well-opinionated journalist. i just simply wanted to be seen in the pba during half-time breaks delivering to the basketball-crazy pinoys the 1st half statistics. oh, and of course a post game interview with vince as he bagged the player of the game title won't hurt. (well, of course, things got in the way and i took up tourism instead. but hey, no regrets there..)

i was in third year when i tried to pattern my crushes with vince. most of them were varsity players. the better they can shoot from the 3-pt arc, the more delicious.. err.. i mean, enchanting they appeared to me. and yes, even before it happened to shaan, i have already formulated my dream wedding proposal - a half-time break with my MVP, most valuable person, going down on his knees, asking me to marry him. and once i say yes, we would live happily ever after and my hubby would agree with me to name our first born vincent paul, obviously from the full name of vince- vicente paul .

and shaan has all these - the job i wanted, the wedding proposal i had in mind, my planned baby name ( although their baby was named vicente patrick), and of course, the man i so adored. amazing isn't it? how a person could actually be living a life you previously dreamt of. well my dreams all came true. though not with me but with shaan.

though these are not the things i want in life anymore, i just can't help but turn a liitle green about her but not necessarily envious. hey! im having a great life as well... and though she loves vince and is taking a good care of him, let me give some word for here.
hey shaan, delight in what you have and flourish life. you are actually living my dreams... ( hell no, i'm not threatening her, okay?!)

speak your tounges

sometimes it amazes me how some people will say something in a mere casual conversation and the words they uttered will just make a lasting impact in our lives. just like some quotable quotes high-lighted in the pages of a book. or that particular line in the song you can best relate to. and yes, these people may or may not be the most important people to you, sometimes even a complete stranger. but you just know that after they delivered their lines, your life, or at least how you view it, will never be the same again. oh and the thing is, they don't even know how it mattered to you because as said, it is just a mere conversation.

Example 1:
I was a freshie in Kalayaan and we were having this all-girls-in-pyjamas conversation in melay's and belle's room. It was a discussion regarding our first set of exams after officially embracing the tag " iskolar ng bayan". apparently, we didn't think that the taumbayan will be so proud of our scores. so we agreed that we really need to prioritize things and use our time efficiently. and yes, that would include crossing out in our planners the "visit SM, watch movie". belle promised to put her concentration on math 11. i agreed to prioritize my acads and walk away from my im-too-confident-to-pass-even-if-i-don't-study attitude that i was so used to having even back in high school. melay swore not to let boys get in the way. hanniyah was just silently listening to what we were saying. i, then, asked her, "kaw, han, ano ipaprioritize mo?" expecting her to say that she would give up shopping , or her passion for volleyball or maybe reduce her phone conversations with then boyfriend. to my surprise she said in low voice " siguro ako, ipaprioritize ko si LOrd..." WOW! was that a slap on my face or what!? i don't know if belle or melay got affected by what she said or ever heard it but it created a somersault within me...
after some time of exchanging smiles and hellos as acquaintances, hanniyah and i became friends , got in the same org, shared secrets and dreams, travelled to numerous places as we got deeper together in our prioritizing the Lord. and when i reminded her how she touched my life back then, she could not even remember that particular dialogue we had!

Example 2:
The setting would be in our tambayan in AIT. it was one of those boring afternoons when you would be grateful that you're part of an org, you have a tambayan to stay in and people to hang out with in between classes. it was an unusual day evident by the deafening silence in the usually crowded tambayan. it was just me and my buddy michelle, who later on will be my thesis partner and will share with me the hardships and fun of coming up with that little hardbound piece of idealistic views.
michelle and i were not really close then. we were never classmates but my groupmates in one subject happened to be her groupmates in another. talk about common ground, huh! and so when these fellas joined ecotour, my beloved AIT org, she was designated to be my buddy. then we became part of the same committee and worked in numerous org projects. in our senior year, we broaden our responsibilities and bonding as execomms. then decided to ride the waves as we dig more into surfing for our thesis, together, tested the waters of life, learned the tides each surpassed. i could say that michelle, indeed, is as deep as the ocean, as broad as the horizon, as accommodating as the shore.
ok...rewind..rewind..rewind.. back to that day in the tambayan when we were mere buddies. it seemed that we had no choice that time but to bond and do some story-telling of our lives. she told me a lot about her boyfriend and how she loved him deeply amidst all the pain she had to go through because of him. at that time, my outlook on love was on a weighing scale, could not even decide if i really love the man i was so fond of. i explained to her my fear of getting hurt. the fear that if i give my heart to someone, i give him the right to hurt me as well. so as part of defending myself, i always make an about face whenever i was getting close to "falling". the result, an endless battle within me. just for example, i felt so excited just with the thought that i am gonna see the guy later that day but could not find the same ebullience when i was with him.(told you, a chaotic mind i had!) "lam mo ba kung paano ako nareremind everyday na mahal ko si vince? ", chelle asked. i did not reply, anticipating what she would say next. " kasi kung paano ko gusto na kasama ko siya ngayon, kung gaano ako kaexcited kapag magkikita kami, doblehin mo o triplehin mo pa ang saya ko pag magkasama na kami". and she said this with a look on her face that there is no denying i was speaking with a woman in love. before i left that day, she told me to assesss myself and to try to define the line between being in love with the person and being in love with just the idea of loving.
on her bday last year, i decided to greet her with a friendster testimonial, a part dedicated to thank her for the things she taught me. This, she later on averred as the sweetest testimonial written about her however could not even remember that fateful day in the tambayan.

Example 3
During my early months at work, I was so fond of what i called "my morning coffee with God" just before heading home ( yeah, graveyard shift and all..). I would fill my company-provided mug with steaming coffee and consume it in the RCBC chapel. surrounded by the aroma of the coffee and the scent of sampaguita, i would do my quality time with God. as this was usually at around 5 to 6 in the morning, i found solitace in the chapel thus having the freedom to read my Bible aloud, even talk aloud to myself. okay fine, i admit, sometimes i sing also, enjoying the place's good acoustic, reliving the frustrated singer that i am. lucky me, the guards never checked me out or they might report to my company that they just hired a psycho.
one time, my batchmate albert chase who i fondly called cheska, decided to tag along when he learned about my morning roundabout. after a time of saying our individual prayers, we decided to stay longer. we talked about a lot of things- how he learned that he is gay, how his being a product of a broken family contributed to it, the acceptance and the lack of it from the people around him, the assurance that God loves him just the same and how he viewed himself to be living alone when he's already old and gray.
when it was my turn to do my "dear ate charo" ( the maalalala mo kaya song playing in the background would complete the scene), i told him some secrets only few of my closest friends know, which of course, i will not put here. at a particular one which had been bothering me a lot, he advised me to let loose, that there is nothing wrong if i would say it. he told me to be good to myself, that i do not deserve all the worrying i was going through. "alam mo les, the things you could not express are the things that control you". I could still remember his line. it just kept echoing in my head. the things you could not express are the things that control you... the things you could not express are the things that control you...and yes, that is exactly how i felt - controlled, jailed in my tiny cell, tied up to the ball and chain i've created.
on my way home that day, in between the jammed mrt crowd, i promised to give myself freedom. i wanna break free! (one would have to say this with both arms stretch out a la oblation). gone are the days when i would contain all the emotions within me. and yes, i have the right to make mistakes, to let the world know that i am hurting, to speak my thoughts, to fall in love like there is no tomorrow, to declare what i like and what i despise, to break silence if there is something wrong, and to let go of the strong facade i have been trying to build all these years. i don't wanna see that girl cry again because of the bursting emotions she could not contain but was not able to pronounce thus finding crying as the only outlet. if this overcome-the-things-that-control-you project is the anodyne to my rotting heart, why not? if people will think differently of me because of it, who cares? after all, that liberating tete a tete really made me feel better of myself.
and if you're going to ask me if chase still remembers that chat, forget it! not for him whose memory capacity is nowhere better than mine. we actually agreed that that early, we were already good candidates for alzheimer's.

i could go on babbling more of these "you change my life in a moment" type of confabs like how a friend said that she finds girls to be full of courage and maturity when she can admit to herself that she loved but was not loved back. or how one explained to me that love, indeed, is a choice. this, for the longest time, i have been trying to deny because of my clinging to my butterflies-in-the-stomach, too romatic notion of love. and a friend would always say that she will never forget the time i uttered "i would always enjoy the company of friends i dine out and have fun with. pero mas vinavalue ko pa din yung mga taong nakaramay ko sa pagkain ng sardinas." (of course, this is in the context that we can only spare 10 pesos at that time for our meal, and not stereotyping sardinas as a food for the "brokes"). and these type of talks continues to amaze me like the lines were written intently for the climactic scenes in the soap operas.

so what exactly is my point? well, i came to a realization that words, which we thought are just ordinary part of our daily existence, evident by the fact that some people could not even remember they said those, can actually change life. and so we should be careful in choosing the words that would come out of our lips. and just as i learned how these affected my life should make me conscious of the words i say. i sould be reminded that i always have a choice to say lines that could make an impact in a person's life positively rather than the opposite. and though i cannot say that i can now face life's challenges with aplomb, the lessons from these people would help me to face those yet to come in a somehow more mature manner ( i hope so...)

oh yes, one more thing, i learned that my being a forgetful leslie is somehow normal (again, i hope so...) ;-)

"..i'm sure they'll think again if they have a friend like ben.."

hala ben! sabi naman sa'yo wag ka masyado magbilad sa araw e. ang itim mo tuloy dun sa 1st pic. i like the 2nd pic coz it is sexy (hmm.. binata ka na o.. may muskels na..). the third pic is cool. and the 4th pic, la lang. it just reminds me of those days when you were still my officemate..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!!!

sobrang miss na po kita.. i miss your jokes, your childlike acts, your voice and your deep insights about life...

salamat ben sa lahat.. thank you for being a constant reminder of how God tremendously blessed my life. for reminding me that there are really good people and friends in this world...

try to have fun on your birthday even if i'm not there ha?..hehe..happy birthday ulit. love you, ben =)

can't help but relate

After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public
by Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.

I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.

In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.

In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after I asked a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"

I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"

I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"

Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After I assured her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"

Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for he'll always ask: "...Is that round trip?" After quoting the one-way fare the passenger just asked for he'll always, always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was part of the hell Sarge told us about.

But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.

But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.

the reason

i never meant to heighten the pain of Your thorns. i never meant to scourge each whip, to burrow down Your nails. i would never want to cause Your tears. but I did. i'm sorry.


I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to You
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want You to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I'm sorry that I hurt You
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put You through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all Your tears
Thats why i need You to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to You
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want You to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I've found a reason to show
A side of me You didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is You

sleepless in washington (not necessarily in seattle)*

been having dreams lately. less sleep but more dreams. beautiful dreams which seemed to be too real that when i woke up, i almost believed they happened. or maybe i just so desire these things to be part of my waking reality. actually, there are some patches that until now i could'nt figure out if they really happened or not. however i tried to define the line between these dreams and my reality, i just couldn't.

do you remember that place where tinkerbell will always love peter pan? the place between dreaming and waking up? that is the place where i danced away with my dreams.

but just like my reality, the dreams had to end as i needed to wake up. memories, though, are too sweet to rekindle. but please, nightmares no more.


* all the dreamings and hallucinations took place in our lovely abode - 6944 Washington St. Brgy Pio del Pilar, Makati City. just to explain the title.

love brings out the poet pirate in you..

posted with the consent of noelle, a new-found friend whose poems i am an avid fan of. he willingly showed me the "snippets of his life" . i hope he finds his real joy to write about in that little book.

ONE LAST TIME

Far away from our dreams
Like a distant memory you shall pass
And the wind that blows from north
Shall now turn east
More than anything I wish for you
To stay and cuddle me in your arms
One last time
One last time,
Hold me and do not go.
Let me hear you heart
I want to know who it beats for.
Is it for me?
And then as the end draws near,
I shall hold my breath
Trying to persuade my heart to beat
The look on your face
My heart and soul will remember.
I will remember you
In every moment that you were with me
In all the places we were together.
I need you
But I dare not be selfish.
You must go
I know that now
I’d ask you not to
But I will not cloud your dreams.
When you go
Take a piece of my heart with you
Keep it and be silent
Just remember that more than anything
I love you!



FOR YOU WHO MADE ME CRY

And then the day comes to this
And I feel a pain from nowhere...
No you do not hold power over me.
I forget it's over.
I forget it has ended.
Let me hold you and feel the memory of the bliss
You once brought me.
I mourn not for you
But for an angel.
Too much waiting,
Too long I have suffered,
And now one last tear
One last
For everything that was,
is, and will be.
One final twitch,
let me feel it for you
for soon it will pass
I know I should not feel it
I know it is wrong to
But then again..
I call you now
From up the sky come down.
We share but memories of the past
and hopes for the future,
But I guess now that's not important.
Tears from the heart burns
like the dying of a rose
It withers, crumbles, turns dark, stiff, cold
and then decays.
Soon all these shall pass,
but until then..
For you who made me cry,
Let it fall one last time,
One last tear
And then.. It ends.

tenkyu! tenkyu!

oct 1 2005

for the 1st time in my 22 years of existence, i celebrated a birthday that actually made me feel older and well, err.. wiser, hopefully..

here are some greetings i received that made me feel so much treasured and loved..

THROUGH TEXT:

* and kauna-unahang bumati ay si PK, sept 29. dahil akala niya oct 1 na.. hahaha.. get some rest, PK.

reggie: hapi bdey my dear friend! god bless

owen ni isaac: Hapi bday leslie!

ARVIN SUN: Hapi hapi bday my dear friend! Miss u so much! I hope ul enjoy ur special day! =)

gmig. butch: Leslie! Hapi birthday! =)

mom: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SN MATUPAD LAHAT NG MGA PANGARAP MO AT NAGPAPASALAMAT AKO KAY LORD AT ISA K S IBINIGAY NYANG ANAK KO (naiyak ako dito. hindi ko alam kung dahil sa message or sa realization na all caps pa rin magtext ang mommy ko)

.poh (aka milben): Huffy virdie, lisli! =) will greet u more later! =)

belle: BEAUTIFUL people reflect GOD in their lives. They THINK HIS thoughts, SPEAK HIS Words and LOVE without end. May YOU Remain a Beautiful Person ALWAYS. Happy birthday les! C u so0n! Mwah

belle: Happy birthday ate leslie siguro 30 years old ka na mang libre ka naman magpadala ka na lng ng cake okay ba- lynette ( belle's little sis )

michelle: gud am po! ei hapi bday po! =) luv u! Godbless =)

.tams (aka ian): Hapi bday ate les! =)

Dad: Happy bday anong oras uwi mo ( ang sweet nitong isang ito no?)

lao sun: If we commit ourselves to Christ and follow in His way. He'll give us life that satisfies with purpose for each day. =) May the Lord bless all the days of your life, happy birthday! =) - lao n milx

JC: Ate leslie! =) jc hir. Ung nakasama mo sa caravan. happy birthday! =) i wish u happiness, gu healthnd mre blessings! take care! =)

katre: Prs0ns of xceLent chractr r nt ez 2 find. Dey r Lyk d eagles.Dey fLy aL0ne & dey s0ar vry high..Happy birthday God's eagLe! enj0y urflight 2day.Fly high! =) mwah!

B9.raechie: Chuvs! Hapi 34th bday! Sna mkta kna ni mr ryt mo.Hehe. mwah!

b11.mau.sun: Think of marilyn m0nroe as she sings happy bday for JFK: happy bday 2u, happy bday 2u.. Happy bday, happy bday.. Happy bday 2u.. Happy bday les.=) mwah! - mau

kraymer: The wisest people on earth are those who have a hard time recalling their worries.. and an easy time remembering their blessings. Happy birthday!! =)

Phoebe: Happy Happy Birthday!! Musta na?! Wishing you all the best, sa family, career,love n life. Goodluck n Godbless.. Kita kits! Ingatz..

gmig.ramon2: Oi kuya belatd hapi brthday po! - ramon

alfred2: My gus!!! Ate les, happy birthday!!! c: god bless! c: kelan ang party? Hehe..

THROUGH EMAIL:

pepito: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PO. censya na ngaun lang kc pina close yung outlook e. see you in an hour... (",)

tm tony: Since Leslie will be on leave this Saturday (in time for her natal day), let's all greet her aN ADVANCE HAPPY BDAY!!! May the Lord shower you with bountiful blessings and good health! Sana lang magpakain siya dibahhhhhh! Hay naku! Hwag idolize si Pat na tatahimik tahimik lang. *LOL

crt ann: JAPPY JIRTDEY JESLIE!!!! OMG!!! Wish you health and your soulmate to come... =) Mwah!

crt my : Hapi birthday Ms Tayao.... Pasensya na now lang ko naka e-mail kc sobrang hot line kami ni Boyet aka Philita....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

team CRT : Happy Birthday Leslie! OMG!!! =)


PERSONAL GREETINGS:

a loT!!

THROUGH FRIENDSTER:

thanks to some friends who greeted me through friendster. your messages are just too long and personal to be placed here.


so to everyone, i appreciate your remembering.. =)

my opponent in you

i always knew that I would do peculiar things for you
for reasons I, myself, could not comprehend
but I was still captured, caught in awe
realizing I have dangerously done something
I never thought doing
- love you.

it finally hit me and it hit me hard
bringing me to a world where hurt is abundant
and escapism is the only way out.

no.
i don't want you to think I easily gave up
the big sucker of pain in me said that this is worth the pain,
worth the effort, worth fighting for.
so i could assure you that in my own, silent way, I fought.
faced the battle against myself
and the events beyond my control.
and though i want to say i gave a good fight,
i know when to raise the white flag
and just hope that my weak strength will be enough
to face the incoming thrusts of pain.
just as i learned that at the other end of the battle field,
the one i have been in duel with all this time, is you.

LAO is a many splendored thing

hope you had a great one! sorry i wasn't there..you know naman the reason..hehe.. basta, we are always here for you lang. sobrang miss ko na ikaw!!! i'm so glad to have seen the side of you unknown to many. God bless, Lao... =) Love you, friend! =)

gimme five!

hey, ben sori for the late answers.. wag ka na po magalit...

para kay leslie:
1. which one would you prefer french fries, mashed potatoes, boiled potatoes, potato salad, or herbed potatoes? why?
I'd say french fries, especially if it is from McDo. I don't like mashed potatoes as they remind me of my food when i was 6 months old. Boiled potatoes are bland. Potato salad does not appeal to me at all and Herbed potatoes is something i do not remember having tasted.


2. what will you do if on the day of your wedding, you wake up with 200 pounds extra fat?
I will call my husband-to-be and asked him if he would still want me to be his wife with my additional 200 pounds. If he would say Yes. I will fly to the wedding and walk down the aisle, towards my man as the happiest bride in the world. If he says no.. well, at least I learned before I say the I dos that he is only after my gourgeous body (hehe..)and not me as a person.. but on the serious note, really, it would be a blessing that I learned how shallow his affection for me is.. then i'll go to the gym, lose those fats, make him feel sorry.. beh!


3. if you were one of the survivors of that killer tsunami, how would you pronounce "tsunami"? /tsu-nami/ or /su-nami/ or /chu-nami/? this one is tough ha.. cguro, i'll use tsunami.. the first syllable kasi sounded like asking something to go away (you know.. like tsooo!tsoo!).. siguro same thing goes for the tsunami, if i could just shoo it away than losing all those lives...


4. what Pinoy movie resembles your life?
I'd say Milan. The movie reminds me of my life in so many ways, not exactly the role of the bida but bits and pieces of the characters in it. same thing goes for kailangan Kita. Although, Sana maulit Muli is my personal favorite and I still haven't forgiven you and Ian for depriving me to watch the film last time.


5. what is your most fave Christian/Gospel/Praise&Worship song? Why?
I would say " Stand In Awe" because that has always been how God is in my life, he's just so amazing that you'll be awed. But i would say "Heart of Worship" is coming as a close second.

para sa pinakaguwapong panget..hehe..

from this little cutie....

you have grown to be this ....

so what happened?.. hehe.. joke lang.=)
well,i would have to say that i am glad that somewhere along your 21 years, we've met and became friends and as you say, i should feel lucky and honored..sige na nga. basta, you know naman that i will always be here lang for you.. hahaha.. i'd have to stop here before this goes mushy! basta, more fun with you and the rest of the gang in the Big Brother haus...

To you and Kraymer boy, who is also one hell of an astig guy...

simply js

happy birthday js! i enjoyed the star city with you.. =)

mac&me

resource center:
im sitting here facing this computer, headset plugged in my ears connected to that mac mini whose size still amazes me, listening to music from the tristancafe site. i really don't know what to write about. shift is over but just wanna stay and write something spontaneous. you know, something senseless.. but spontaneous...

just done with 5 straight working days. or should i say nights. the last 2, i haven't even noticed. they being a "kumpleto ang barkada" shift. just as expected, full of fun, happy thoughts and happy talks. liz , her assignment on passive listening and her promised lunch once she passes the subject. isaac and his being mrs. raymond gutierrez. ann and how she slaps on my and raechelle's faces our "shortcomings". ate tin, the "risk again" campaign and he whose name should not be mentioned, raechelle and the conversation equating guys to the word "insensitive" . friendhsip rae who will be celebrating an anniversary soon. mark and oh,please expect me to remind you about that thing everyday. sabog ka talaga sa amin. pat and how she justified the term hot mama. let's not forget cdo, the honorary member. omg! and me.. well, just me. just me. just me. just me. enough. these people might think they do have significance in my life. duh!

a lot of things going on in my mind. some about me. mostly, about people around me. bakit ko nga ba pinoproblema to? hay..
i want to put them all in writing maybe to release myself from them. even just a bit. but i'd rather not. however you shout it to their faces, katangahan is something they opted to embrace. can't stop thinking just how fragile she is, how misjudged and how i misses her. the idea of betrayal in response to your all-out giving. knowing what you want to do with your life and learning that it comes with extra baggages known as fears and doubts. people thinking you are so fine as they look through the facade and the wall of strength you have been building that will break down with the littlest force. that feeling of loving and hating someone all at the same time. the rising and setting of the sun. hoping that this phase be over soon and to just wake up already in the next stage. the pain of being such a failure to them. the greater pain of being a failure to yourself. longing for something you do not know. and whoever gave her the right to take your heart away when for so long you were mine? yes, this is part of a song. and yes, this describes exactly how hurting it is. everything doing some turning on and turning off. yup, turning off included. turn on, turn off. turn on, turn off. turn on, turn off. endless. until the call for a final ending. everything being a big masquerade. the difference between being happy and being joyful and the absence of both for some. humility and the idea of keeping one's self grounded. the gift of listening and how tiring it is sometimes especially when you' re demanding for your turn to talk. loving someone so much it makes you want to cry of joy. loving someone so much it makes you want to laugh the pain away. having the desire to grow up at last. realizing the difficulty of growing up. the many things you want to do and how uncooperative time is.

this is beginning to be too senseless. but it makes sense to me, you know, just like putting milk on my cereal and coffemate on my coffe.


or could it make sense for some as well?

and yes, spontaneity in its truest definition..

iantot

thanks for your good morning letter. that, indeed, was so touching. thanks for always praying for me and I will continue to do the same for you. God bless you always...
happy birthday, dong! love you! =)

same ground

the first kitchie nadal song i was able to appreciate. yup! when everyone else was going gaga over nadal, i was thinking of her as a bitch who does a metamorphosing effect with her voice making it bigger and huskier. but she was able to redeem herself a bit and proved that she is more than a girl who can strum her guitar in front of onemig bondoc. well, this song was soulfully sung radiating that hurt it wants to convey.

My love,
Its been a long time since I cried
And left you out of the blue.
Its hard
Leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
Its strange I never would've
Wanted 'till there was you.

**'cause I have learned that love is beyond
What human can imagine,
More it clears the more I have to let you go.

[chorus:]
But now I don't understand why I'm feeling
So bad now when I know it was my idea.
I could've just denied the truth and lied.
But why am I the only one standing stranded
On the same ground?

[repeat verse except **]
'cause I have learned that love is a
Word gets thrown a little bit too much.
The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
I would never ever have to if

[repeat chorus]

When all else fail,
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fail,
Would you be brave
To see right through me?

broom broom!

instead of riding the mrt, i usually take the bus going to work for two reasons. one, lesser effort. you could just imagine how my face would distort in dismay whenever that escalator would not work at times when i just needed it the most. two, all mrt employees would have been in their lovely abode by that time. well, graveyard shift and all that.

waiting for the bus is a dreaded moment for me, when most of my patience are being put to test. imagine a very late evening in philcoa with lesser people and lesser PUJs and PUVs. there would be a strong impulse to jump into the first bus that comes along. but i would have to wait for a specific one that is:

1) non -airconditioned ( airconditioned buses would go Ortigas Ilalim and would take me a lifetime before getting me to my beloved rcbc.)
2) Cubao Ilalim ( the usual heavy traffic is in this area, and yes the most unpredictable ones as well, so one can never be so sure maybe even if its 3 am)
3) Crossing Ilalim (don't you dare! this area apparently has been declared as the unofficial terminal where green lights don't exist. )

if i would want a hassle-free ride, I would have to patiently wait for this bus. otherwise, i would have to endure a journey through EDSA worrying for a heavy traffic i might encounter along the way. i would have to admit that there are times i would grow impatient and compromise ( "okay, so this is not a Cubao Ilalim but at least non-aircon and is Crossing Ilalim! could save some of my time.. Para manong, sasakay po!" or "oh my, i'll be late! all are ibabaws! let me have the next non aircon bus!"). and so goes that anxiety-filled ride.

in one of the bus rides i had, i wondered if waiting for the bus and for love are the same. but of course for the latter, there should be no room for compromises. i will not be able to take the anxieties along the journey. i know i would still want to wait for my " non-airconditioned, Cubao Ilalim, Crossing Ilalim" even if i would have to go against my own patience in the solitude, dark, sometimes even rainy nights. and when i would finally hop to go for that ride, i would gladly give my bus fare, together with all the sacrifices it may require from me to manong konduktor, and would say "it was all worth it". well, the Driver is in control. =)

hay, kaLucresia Kasilag itech! i-sight niyo!

malaysia ko kng trueness itech. pero funny naman e, kaya keri na.. pantapat sa badingerz entry ni alfred...

Chorvah has its etymology from the Greek word cheorvamus meaning “for lack of the right word to say”, or “in place of anything you want to express but cannot verbalize”. Ibig sabihin pala, siya ay parang “aloha” sa wikang Hawaiiano, which can mean many, many things. “Chorvah” can be used as:

Noun: “ano” / “kwan”  / “or something”
“Ate  Glow, kelan yung birthday chorvah ni Big Mike?”
“Hoy, Vicky ‘to, whatcha gonna wear ba? The sporty or the chinese chorvah mo?

Adjective: used if you want to be polite.
“Ang chorvah naman niyan!” ( So, ano ba? Pangit ba o maganda? Baduy ba or ang arte?) They will never know what you really mean. How polite!

Verb: can replace any verb
“Chorvah lang ng chorvah!”

Chorvah is such an amazing word, it lets you choose your own adventure. At least you will never be accused of putting words in somebody else’s mouth. If you don’t have anything to say, or you can’t find the right word to say, or you want to say something but you don’t know how to say it, just say CHORVAH!

Variations: Chuvah, Chenes, Chenelyn
“Glossarychina”

Common words
1.      bakla - badingkiwinki, baklush, badinggirsi, belatchina, lolames, ladladera 
2.      kunin - getzing, getluckin, gora, grabichina.
3.      cigarette - bugaret, suba, subarou, bugarou
4.      guapo - cucoo, bio, viola, pogichina, beeway,biyao
5.      house - balay, houseching
6.      talo - loss, Luz Valdez, Luz Clarita
7.      wala - wiz, witchelles, nada, zerowena
8.      cheap - changa, chipagis, chepay
9.      rich - rica paralejo, ritcheles, rika
10.     silay - aura-aura


haha.. Funesia no! I'm sure, warla kayong lahat! hahaha.. klapeypey-klapeypey! Chever! =)

he triggered it all

yup.. he triggered all my love for the sport! =) Happy Birthday, Triggerman !!!

does she ring your bell?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLE!!! yeah i know, you'll tell me this is way late as your birthday "ate" belle was back in May 20 pa.. but since we never did any formal celebration yet, okay pa rin.

Wow! one of my super bestest friends in the world just turned 22! =) and as give a tribute for you here in my dearest too good to be true blog, let me post my firendster testimonial.. i know, naiyak ka dito..

if belle would be a bell, i guess i'll be deaf by now (O.A.!)... imagine hearing the ringing from grade 1!! yup, that's right. we've been clasmates since grade 1, became barkada in high school, dormmates in college, blockmates, orgmates, choirmates, classmates, then eventually lovers!!!(huwattt!!!) joke lang! hindi nga kami maintriga kahit na ano gawin namin (remember, in vivere hotel i took a bath with you?). belle is the type of person na i can just sit down with and talk about evrything, eminisce our past, evaluate our today, or plan for tomorrow.... i know, i know, we dont often hang around now...differences in our priorities and schedules, maybe... but you know our kind of friendship is something that is not high maintenance, i can just live it in a corner and do my things without a doubt that i can always go back to that corner and still find it there waiting for me with open arms...between us, she's sweeter, she never failed to give me gifts on my birthday you know.. guilty nga ako e.. kasi for my past two birthdays, i wasn't able to spend the eve with her and yet when i went back to my room, there's a gift waiting for me and a note that she waited but too sleepy to wait any longer...she is so patient pa when it comes to my stories. she never fails to lend ears and she's one of the very few na kilala siguro ako inside out... she knows just what i feel even before i could say it.. sometimes i am thinking if she's my soulmate (uyyy!) no, really!! im so nostalgic na here... basta belle, i may not say it but i'll always be here... just be assured that whatever you do, someone's
here to support you all the way.. "and when you've flown into great heights and all you dreams are taking place and when you laughed into the world, i too shall laughed" hehe.. pirated itong last line...

hay girl, sobrang miss na talaga kita.. lunch natin ha.. iterat mo pa.. overnyt ulit ako.. ready your house with some tissue and an all-night kwento.. let's do it next time pag bagong sweldo tayo pareho.. and please, file a VL! miss you so much.. love you.. =)

one of today's sweeter songs

YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE
Rivermaya


Nobody knows just why we're here/ Could it be fate or random circumstance/
At the right place, at the right time/ Two roads intertwine
And if the universe conspired/ To meld our lives, to make us fuel and fire/
Then know wherever you will be so too shall I be
[CHORUS]
Close your eyes, dry your tears/ 'Coz when nothing seems clear/ You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight of your doubts and fears
Weary heart/ You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed until we cried/ At the most stupid things like we were so high
But love was all that we were on, we belong
And though the world would never understand/ This unlikely union and why it still stands
Someday we will be set free/ Pray and believe
[CHORUS]
When the light disappears/ And when this world's insincere/ You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream/ I'll scream with you/ You'll be safe here

Save your eyes from your tears/ When everything's unclear/ You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight of your doubts and fears/ Wounded heart
When the light disappears and when this world's insincere/ You'll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream, I'll scream with you/ You'll be safe here
In my arms through the long cold night/ Sleep tight/ You'll be safe here

When no one understands/ I'll believe
You'll be safe/ You'll be safe/ You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands/ You'll be safe here

a shot back..

In love, I've learned one very important fact, which I had earlier been so foolish to disregard, a simple question that goes like:

"Before you talk about finding the right person, have you ever considered yourself being the right person for anyone?"

The question shot back at me when I asked a friend:

"How do you know that it's the right person?"

How ironic, isn't it?

Point being, we should be more of the "right person", for our personal growth, likewise, to be ready to love someone without being a burden (or at least be less of a burden, hehehe)

Although it's true each person has his or her own share of shortcomings and strengths, how true it is that we neglect to realize how much we need to rectify ourselves to become better individuals, instead of spending time whining about someone elses shortcomings, love lost, or love unfound.

But then again, Im no expert, as I have so much more to learn.


*thanks to joshyboy of IHG

To my huggable, sweetest, most gwapo ever dad...

on my way home, i held on tight to my dad's framed grad pic, a gift i promised to give him to match the one i gave mom during her recent birthday. i stared at the photo, seeing so much of me in him. the man that i love and abhor at the same time is exactly my carbon copy. he was so young in the pic but last april 25, he had just turned 51. 21 of those years spent playing the role of a father.

People used to say that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. Well, my dad and I could be living testimonies to that statement. I could say that we had some of the greatest fights ever known. ( hehe, exaggerated, i know!) . We would quarrel over almost everything - family matters, education, religion, personal beliefs, politics, priorities in life, economics, including petty things such as TV channels, the time he would pick me up, basketball games, on how i have always been late, on how he has always been a nagger. But of course, when i say fight, it's not the almost boxing matches scene. hey, he is still my father! these are more of overly-exaggerated tampuhan.

but like any sweethearts coming from a fight, the sweetest moments between me and my dad is the suyuan stage. when all tempers have hyped down, and one would feel sorry for hurting the other, we will make up for what we did. i would bring him cake as a peace offering or he would invite me to a father-daughter date in a videoke session ( actually, a videoke challenge). there are times that forgiving wouldn't be so easy. and so the pakipot stage would come into the picture. when it was him who is making the "suyo", i usually make it difficult for him, not speaking with him for almost 3 days which will make him nuts. ain't that cute? haha..

of course, we don't just do fights all our lives. we have a lot of sweet moments as well that i truly treasure. i usually like it when my dad is super sweet, texting me just to check exactly where i'm at, asking if i have already taken lunch, or when he would force me to sleep when he thinks i need one.Or whenever he would assure me that he will pin down the guy who would break my heart. it brings complete joy to me whenever i see that little boy in my dad and when he could never wipe away that boyish smile in his face when i call him "gwapo". In those nights when we don't feel like watching TV, we usually talk underneath the stars to just make plans for our family. Planning the future with dad is a reassurance for me coz when he is there, evrything else seems to be just alright. My favorite will be cuddling with my dad. I love hugging him. Brings a lot of comfort to me.

well, you see, my dad is not the perfect father in the world. He had caused me a lot of headaches and heartaches in the past. i have hated him a lot times already. but you see, i'm not a perfect daughter as well, i know i have hurt him as much too, caused him troubles, gave him disappointments. we are not perfect daughter and father but i sure know we are a perfect pair. hey, no one else will be able to handle my dad the way i do! i love him for the same reasons that i hate him.. confusing? well, whatever! it just works for us. and i just love it the way it is..

shine

it was one of those rare ocassions that i get to enjoy the luxury of television when i saw the ad with this song as jingle. i suddenly was absorbed by the lyrics. can't help but rememeber that moment when God chose me and showed His glorious light. Sure enough i had a lot of dim moments after that, but everytime i was dumped into darkness, He would pick me up and would shine in His wondrous light, so bright that all my flaws are concealed and only His light will shine through.surely, i will never look or sing this song the same way again..


There I was alone in the shadow
Couldn't find my way
Then you came in
And brought along the sunshine
Now you're here to stay

(Chorus) You make me shine, shine
Like the stars in the heavens
Shine, shine
You keep me shinning through
Shine, shine
With the light that you give in, it's true
I'm shinning on, all because of you

So watch me go
A light shines within me
People ask me why
And I just smile & tell them you're the reason
I've cast the darkness aside

(Repeat Chorus)

(Coda) Like a ray of light
Coming through the night
bright as the stars in the sky
See how I shine
(Repeat Chorus 2x until fade

mailbox

it would be one of my almost ordinary days. there would be me , wearing my most comfortable shirt and jeans. one of my not so busy days. i would just be sitting on the front porch swing, slowly moving with the hanging seat, no room for rush. no, never on this day!
i would be drinking iced tea, reading a novel perhaps, which i would put down at the sound of that truck.
and there he would be in his good old harry that drove him through life's tiring journey. there he would be, my robert kincaid. as he''ll approach my mailbox, it will read "leslie tayao". just me. just my name. never a "richard johnson" or any other name who doesn't know how to drink brandy with me.
he would ask me for directions to that place he so long wanted to go to. and i would gladly show him the way. and we will go and travel.
we would drink brandy on balconies in Mombasa, or maybe watch dhows from Arabia run up their sails in the first wind of morning. he'll show me the lion country and an old French city on the Bay of Bengal where he'll bring me to that wonderful rooftop restaurant. but i would not ask for much. i'll be glad to just hand him his camera as he takes picture of the wonders of life. or maybe if he gets tired of the road, we'll just set up a shop somewhere or just whatever it takes to keep us going.
at the moment that he would ask me to go with him, i will go. because i have waited for this moment. made sure that i would not be tied with the realness of the responsibility of the county. because i believe in that same thing he believes in. that in a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once and never again, no matter how many lifetimes we will live. and after sometime, maybe, just maybe, we can ask a waller to write our story.

hey yo mamiyo!

what can i say? it's your birthday again... and just like the good'ol days, im giving some flowers and a cake and a gift. for the nth time, i wanted it to be something grand! something extravagant, something you deserve. but here i go again with the kiss and all my sweet nothings. when will i ever find the perfect gift? something that could tell just how much thankful i am for all the things you've done for me. material thing or whatever! but i can't come up with one. if i'll just know it, i'll work my ass out just to give that to you.
sometimes, i do not know if i had told you how much i love you. or much more if had shown that to you. if only you could read this, ma!
i just looked at you this morning. i could see the signs of the 48 years, the wrinkles could be due to the 21 of those years spent with me. i know i have never been a difficult child because you just know how to raise us well. but everytime i would think of all that we went through as a family, with dad and michelle, i could swear to the world that we will never have to go through those again. you will never have to go through that again, never in your life, ma!
i know sometimes, well, a lot of times, you are so possessive of me, always wanting me by your side. but i want you to know that eventhough i do whine at times, i want to feel needed by you. i want to be there for you to provide strength when you badly need one. strength that you yourself taught me. strength that came from you. i can always be your shock absorber when the world doesn't seem to go right for us. and i hate myself for the times i felt tired of doing these things for you.
sometimes i feel that your world just revolve around us. i know you have a life too before we came to your world. but you never had a second thought to just drop that life in exchange for us. i hope i could put into words just how thankful i am but i can't. after my salvation, you are God's greatest blessing to me. thank you for always being the understanding mom that you are, for listening to my concerns, for giving value to what is important for me and giving value to what i say, for covering up for me , for forgiving me a zillion times, for listening to my pains, my heartaches, for loving me with all your heart, unconditionally, for being my best friend, for crying with me, for rejoicing for all my triumphs, well, not that i have a lot, for being my strength. ma, i just want to tell you that i love you so much! more than i can say, more than i could show! thank you for your sweet big heart for me, I love you ssooooooooo much! i could disappoint the whole world but not you, ma. happy birthday ma! i love you...

seven wonders of the world

***this is so nice, no? =)

Careerwoman

n. babaeng nangangarir (as defined by will, insisting that he is one)




starbucks to me is more than just frappuccinos and belgian waffles. it is a place where i could say i had some of my best conversations. may it be with friends, roommates, batchmates, or officemates. may it be in katipunan, greenbelt or eastwood.

and as expected, starbucks never failed to serve its purpose during my last visit.

SETTING: Starbucks G4 balcony overlooking the Ayala center

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Mommy Shawie - the only soul among the group who is settled in marriage. who sees her husband only during weekends

Pria - Jasmine Trias look-alike, i mean, the prettier version of Jasmine, and who has a to-die for american accent

Maebe - the first-lady to the congressman.. ooopps,put it as the second lady to the congressman, and i'm not sure if the congressman knows about this

Aby - the pretty little girl and her big mouth with her never-ending stories about her college friends and a drama class she had.

Leslie - that's me! the ever-reliable and awesome, beauty and brains training assistant (what?!? this is my blog ryt?)

Will - a half-filipino, half- filipina, self-confessed goddess


during the last day of training, the whole of batch 18 decided to go out and unwind a bit after 2 weeks of pressure in HOT unit. i, being their "perpetual help" in HOT unit since they were left only under my care with no trainer, agreed that it is high time for me to go out as well. the past week was deadly - pressures from work, family responsibilities, disappointments, endless contemplations and a beauty pageant.

unfortunately, not all was able to go. and abe had to leave early as i literally forced him to render EH (extra hours of work)for that nyt. so we said our goodbyes to him while i digged into mommy shawie's plate for some sisig from Dencio's. (grabe, ang sarap ng sisig na ito!)

and then, starbucks got into the picture. i know i should be going home at that point as the next day will be a long trip to the province. but then, it's not everyday that you take a sip of your coffee with model-looking individuals ( hmmm.. will, your eyes!). and it's not everyday that you get to see robin padilla and rhoderick paulate.. hehe.. especially rhoderick!=)

and so the meaty conversations begun. evryone started to open up about their own life which i would say i enjoyed a lot, leaving me with another set of life's great lessons. for the past three weeks in training i tried to put up a very professional facade in front of them. but my attempts failed. as i started to discovered the beauty in each personality. and so i would say i went out not with my trainees but with a bunch of friends...

fallen

just trying to look into old stuffs when i saw an old notebook with this song. my first band-like performance in Yakal during Jologs200k with ew1 pips.. original composition by smith.




Smith on guitar
Ralph on drum ( 1 lang)
Leya on bass guitar
Glenny and Leslie for vocals
on violin, oh my i forgot his name but i'll edit this as soon as i remember his name

and so it goes...

Chorus:
Fallen over you
It's just so hard to do
I've kept it all inside
After all this time

I
Lately, I've been falling over you
Lately, I've been looking for your smile
Maybe you have fallen for me too
Baby, can't you see

* Chorus

II
Lately, you've been walking by my side
Lately, all the teardrops seem to hide
Maybe you've been running through my mind
Baby, could it be?

* Repeat chorus till fade

left alone

(a poem written for me by a friend as this describes daw how stupid i am with love..i don't know if that's a compliment but to that friend, thanks! =)...)

you laughed,
i smiled.
you wept,
i cried.
what you began,
i finished.
what you started,
i furnished.

you hoped,
i wished.
you jumped,
i leapt.
you watched her,
while i stared at you.
you longed for her,
i prayed for you.

you gave her
what i offered.
you brought her
what i sought.
you thought of her
when i dreamt of you.

when you won her
i lost you.


.

L.S.S.

2nd day at the training room just ended. yup! after 8 months on the floor, i'm back in training again. not retraining though. im way too good for that.. wahaha.. seriously, im just gonna play the part of the training assistant for a bunch of aspiring agents. this means a lot of things to me.. time off the phone , petiks moments, got to meet other people, do a little power-tripping, new environment being on the 29th flr this time, a new sked, and the thing is that i'm basically doing nothing! the good part is i'm being paid for that.. im just asked to share my experiences and assist in teaching the systems. and oh, we listen to music (cds) as well.. not bad for a job, huh!

speaking of music, here's my LSS. loved it the first time i heard it sang by Lea Salonga in her Broadway Concert.. enjoy..=)

I Don't Know How To Love Him
(from the play Jesus Christ Superstar)

I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else

I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man
He's just a man
And I've had so many
Men before
In very many ways
He's just one more

Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So calm so cool
No lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?

Yet
If he said he loved me
I'd be lost
I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope
Just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head
I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so

sonnet xvii:love

(an appetizer for the love month.. pirated from the pages of the ew1 boys' logbook.. yup, the logbook's with me. don't tell rey.. hehe.. shhhh...)


i don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnation that propagate fire;
i love you as certain dark things are loved
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
i love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
i love you simply without problems or pride;
i love you in this way because i don't know any other way of loving.

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when i fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

--pablo neruda

Self-Serendipity

(accidentally discovering yourself after losing it)

After a night of all-out singing and after watching a movie I so long wanted to see, I realized something...

I've lost myself.

I am not the person I thought I would become. My priorities have changed, leading me to a life I never thought living. Others may call it maturity. Some might not even notice. But to me, it's maneouver, changing lanes or maybe more of turning to a different direction.

Where had the funny, optimistic, hopeless romantic girl gone? How could I just trade all I dreamt of for the sake of convenience?

Well, of course, this is a little safer. And the Me-now will be satisfied. But safety and satisfaction does not guarantee happiness and fulfillment. No regrets though. Never. Not even a bit. I still know what I want and am still praying for it to happen. But the Me-now, with all the life's lessons and maturity, should look for the Me-I used to know, the Me- I've Iost, to be the Me-I wanted to be -- the Real-Me.

dream of me

by Kirsten Dunst [From Album : Get Over It Motion Picture Soundtrack]

Let me sleep
For when I sleep I dream that you're here
You're mine and all my fears are left behind
I flew on air and nightingale sings a gentle lullaby
So let me close my eyes

And sleep a chance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch, to kiss
My only dreams can bring me this

so let the moon shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams he'll dream of me

And high beneath the clouds
I'd whisper to the evening stars
Tell me love, he's just a dream away, dream away
A dream away

So let the moon shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams, he'll dream of me

Oh.... dream of me

or else....hehe...

On my way to work, I couldn't help but think about yesterday. Well, it's not everyday that you get to spend time with an old friend. I was just near his office so i decided to drop by to meet him. I grabbed out my phone.

ei, til wat tym is ur work?
im just w/in the area...
wanna meet?.. ü

The next hour I already found myself sharing a wonderful dinner with him. He has changed. Tremenduously changed. But I know that the person infront of me is the same one that i used to share my life stories with back in college.

"So how's work?", i asked. After months of not seeing each other, I still feel at home with him.

"Doing good so far. But maybe this job is not for me. I wanted to do something else. You know well of that. How about you?", he said lifting the fork towards his mouth. He always loved pasta.

I told him that i'm doing okay. That I'm just trying to enjoy my work although I also have plans of looking for something else someday.

"You know what, I always knew that you would do good at work.With whatever kind of work it may be. You were so persistent back in college. You always seem to enjoy pressure. Not even shaken by it.", he said looking at me directly.

He was never the kind who gives compliments often so this somehow surprised me. Or maybe this is what usually happens to people after being away from each other for sometime. I just smiled and asked if he is still communicating with Andrea.

"Sometimes.But things has actually changed for us. We used to text. She used to call me. But not anymore. I actually don't know what happened. People changes. Sometimes, they will just have a life of their own which they can live even without you in it.", he said trying to laugh it off. I checked if there was bitterness in his voice. None. He seemed to be completely over her.

"How about you? Have you met your "the one"?, he asked teasingly.

I just smiled. With the so many people we are meeting these days, it's difficult to tell if our "the one" has already arrived. Sometimes, even if there is already a person in our lives that we love so much and cherish, we still can't be so sure. He knows so well how coward I am when it comes to love because of the fear to get hurt. But I told him that I am still praying for "him". If there is something similar about us and which I could say would set the two of us apart from our friends is that we both don't want to waste our time and effort for a bad relationship. We'd rather wait for the right one. For our The One. I just don't know what actually happened with him and Andrea.

"You know what, I always thought you and Andrea would end up together.", I commented. Yes, that was what I thought but there's something in me rejoicing that it never happened. My friend here just deserves someone better.

He just laughed. Looked out the window.

"Did you know that I almost courted you in second year?", he said after a moment. For sometime, I didn't know how to react. At last, i got the courage to laugh, in shock and complete disbelief.

"And you know very well that it would not work. It's just an incest!", I said. Still laughing.

"Have you ever felt deeply hurt because of love?", he asked. From where he got the question, I don't know.

"A thousand times and you know them all.", i answered, reminiscing the times i would cry to him because of some stupid guy.

"Is it worth it? I mean, will you still be able to trust? Would you try it again even if you know that there is a possibility that you'll just get hurt?," he asked, once again staring out the window. At that time I want to kill myself for seeing him ask those questions out of pain but not knowing what actually caused such deep hurt in him.

"I guess I will. Remeber how you call me the most hopeless of all the hopeless romantics you've known."

"And you still are. So hopeless! When will you ever learn?," he said, teasing me again.

"Actually, when will WE ever learn?", I smiled at the sight of the glow back in his eyes.

We still talked for about an hour, not anymore about love. Basically, reminiscing of how stupid we were like back in college and the million bloopers we had together. It was the best laugh I had after such a long time.

We finally decided that it's getting late and we better call it a night. He insisted to drop me off my place. I absolutely refused because it was out of his way but the gentleman side of him still never fades. We said our goodbyes but promised to meet again. Maybe next week.

I'm all washed up and ready to sleep when i remembered to text him.

ur afraid dat if u commit ur heart
& ur love 2 sam1, ul get hurt...
wel, u wil. u r goin 2 hav problems
& pain & anger...
but ul also hav joy. great joy!.. ü

too tired to come up with a juicy title...

totally exhausted!
yup, that's the exact word. or that could be an understatement.
though i just had a little sleep, i went to work pretty excited ( well, this could also mean i went to work pretty and excited.. hehe) to see my officemates only to find out that there were some changes in the system for today and i had to take reservations. a lot of reservations! and that again is an understatement.

adding to this are gretel and alfred flooding my inbox with love issues, of mind and of heart. and of course, kuya egai coming up with ideas i dunno where he got from.

but in the middle of my chaotic world, a member would tell me how grateful he is that i was able to help him, how he could sense the willingness in me to address his concern and how he could feel the smile on my face delighted to be of service.
now that really put me on a high. these are the joys of customer service. despite the numerous irate members you would encounter, however unreasonable some may be and however demanding the job is, a two or three of these joys would really make your day.

and to top it all, minutes before ending my shift, i got an agent compliment! though this is not the first, it never fails to give joy seeing the grin in my supervisor's face.

Awesome!
WOW!
and that's an understatement...

the visit

complete silence. alone. the night was still.
birds chirping. the environment was peaceful. but not me.

the last time i visited you like this, i was all torn, confused, lost and just didn't know what to do.
same as now.
two days ago, i just spoke with you and told you of my plans for the year. great plans, indeed.
how fast you responded. checking how serious i was about what i said. too fast, i wasn't even able grasp it all.
so i came here to tell you that i am completely serious about everything. can't it be just like that? can't you just take my word for it?

i know that the answer is no. you really wanted proof. you had to put me into this test. and you know so well that i don't wanna fail you. no, not you who has been so faithful. especially the last time. so, can i just ask you for some time to have myself ready? just some time before i do what i should.

i will be completely honest with you as you fully know my heart. i'm shaken. i'm doubting of my strength to get through this. im anxious, worried and in panic.

and as expected, you always have the words to calm me down, to tell me that everything will be alright. once again, you told me to trust you and to acknowledge that i have to go through this for a reason, for the lesson. i felt the need to just repent. to you more than anybody else. then realizations just flowed. too much i almost drowned. some i couldn't accept. some truth i tried to deny. but who am i fooling?

once again, you never failed me however unfaithful and inconsistent i am. may you just sustain me.
i'm tired. i just wanna go home.
i need to go home.

i pull out the walkman from my bag as i slowly start to walk out of your house. maybe i need some music. just so there would be something to accompany me in the stillness of the night. and the song goes..


Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home..

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you

kanlungan

4 na oras at kalahati din ang itinagal ng biyahe. nakakahilo ang paliku-likong daan. pero hindi na ako nagsuka, hindi tulad ng dati, halos 5 na taon ang nakakaraan.

hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa ko dito. ito ay isang lugar na hindi ko kilala. parang ikaw, hindi na kita kilala. o mas mainam sigurong sabihin na hindi ako nabigyan ng pagkakataon na makilala ka at ikaw na makilala ako.

ang alam niya nasa tagaytay ako ngayon kasama ang mga officemates ko. nagbabakasyon. ngayon lang ako nagsinungaling sa kanya..hindi ako sanay pero gusto ko na lang isipin na para rin naman ito sa kanya e. para sa akin. para sa amin.

naramdaman ko ang pamilyar na haplos ng malamig na hangin sa aking mukha habang napapalibutan ng mga puno na tila bahagi na ng pagkatao ko.

bakit nga ba ako nandito gayung alam ko namang wala ka?

pumasok ako sa loob. buti na lang at walang tao dahil bakasyon. pag may nagtanong kung anong ginagawa ko dito, magkukunwari na lang akong naligaw.

ibang-iba na ang lugar na ito kumpara sa nakatatak sa mapurol kong memorya. iba na ang kulay ng mga building. nadagdagan pa nga yata sila. medyo moderno na rin ang mga gamit sa paligid. pero ang punong ito ay matayog pa rin. ang punong sinandalan mo nang una kitang nakita na nag-gigitara at nang tiningala mo ako habang ako'y nasa ikalawang palapag ng building na ngayon ay kulay orange na. naaalala ko pa nang magpakilala ka sa akin. medyo hindi maganda ang tunog ng pangalan mo pero okay na din.

pare, niyanig mo ang mundo ko noon...

ngayon, pinagmumukha mo akong tanga dito. para akong baliw na gumagawa ng sariling music video. palakad-lakad. paling-linga. hahaplusin ang puno.

ano ba talaga ang ginagawa ko dito? ni hindi naman kita makikita. hindi makakausap. pero ayoko na kasi na tuwing magpaPasko, naaalala kita.. tuwing nababanggit ang lugar na ito, hindi ko maiwasang isipin kung kumusta ka na kaya, kung ano ang naging buhay mo. ayoko na yung pakiramdam na kinakabahan pa rin tuwing makikita ko ang mga bagay na bigay mo. o ang maalala ka tuwing maririnig ang Pasko na Sinta Ko.

gusto na kitang kalimutan. hindi na kita mahal kung yun ang iniisip mo. gusto ko nang sa iba ialay ang pagmamahal at pag-aalaga na dati ay para sayo lang. kaya gusto ko nang magsimula nang panibago. na wala ka na. na isa ka na lang alaalang hindi na ako kayang maapektuhan pa.

ito ang pangalawa at huling pagkakataon na yayapak ako sa lugar na ito dala ang pag-asang hatid mo.

pero hindi naman kita gustong tuluyang makalimutan e. napakaganda mong bahagi ng buhay ko para kalimutan lang. balang-araw gusto pa din kitang makita, kumustahin. tanungin kung naaalala mo pa ako.. yun ay kung makikilala pa kita. pero sa ngayon oras na para bumalik sa buhay ko. ang buhay ko ngayon. hindi ko alam kung nakatulong ang pagpunta ko dito. hindi ko alam kung pagbalik ko mayroon bang magiging pagbabago. basta, ang alam ko lang minsan kailangang tapusin ang isang kabanata para makapagsimula ng panibago. at ito ang siyang aking ginawa.

eto na ang dyip na magdadala sa akin sa terminal ng bus. tatahakin ang daan na nilakbay ko noon nang iwanan kita.

"Manong, sa bayan ho. isa lang."

Kinuha ni manong ang bayad. kasunod noon ay ang pag-ilanlang ng musika mula sa speaker ng dyip..

panapanahon ang pagkakataon...
maibabalik ba ang kahapon...

ngayon ikaw ay nagbalik..
tulad ko rin ang yong pananabik...
makita ang dating kanlungan...
tahanan ng ating tula at pangarap...
nagyon ay naglaho na...
saan hahanapin pa...