the letter 2

the letter i was not able to give....

the letter i should have written a long time ago..
the letter to end it all, the agony, the worries..
the letter that took me the whole day to think of what it should contain and how the words should be put..
the card is waiting, the pen was just as ready, things on my mind... but i just can't write it..
an hour before going home, i finally decided to write .. no, i would have it computerized.. i might not have the strength to scribble the words, the so many words i have to say..

i would want to say everything in it. but i can't. it might hurt and that was the last thing i would want to do..
so i wrote the letter telling the important details, leaving the more important ones behind...
words were igniting the pain but i can't cry...
not here in this computer shop, not when friends were just around the corner..
not anymore as i committed to the Lord during last Sunday's service that that will be the last time I would cry about it...
i have cried enough...

after a long travel, i was finally home... in front of the gate with a lot of hesitations to enter...
"Lord, help!..."
hesitations to open the gate.. no turning back, she already saw me..
smiles and hellos...
everything was just normal, doing good so far..
then she said the magic question...
i can't answer. i said "Later.." as it should be delayed. the letter will do the talking for me..

i waited for the talk i was imagining to happen...
the night ended peacefully... to my amusement, everything was just normal as if nothing happened.
actually, it seems better than the normal...
weird but was too tired to think...
some daydreamings , then slept...

morning came.. .
the magic question again...
i answered a very straight answer, half-truth half-lie
making her believe that that was just it...
i could not tell her...
i wanted to explain...
but before i even tried, she already understood...