home

I woke up this morning and had been lost for a moment.

Where am i?

Instead of lying in my some-kinda-bed in an apartment shared with friends, i found my vimless body in the old Salem bed i've been accustomed to sleep on for the first 16 years of my life.

Once again, i took a moment, breathed. I think i need some air. How long have I been sleeping?

I looked around and saw posters of vince hizon and allan caidic all over, the cynosures of this room. on the far end, there's my old 14" black and white tv, the very first item I was able to buy with my own money at a very, very young age. just look at what my numerous piggy bank-saved 10 cents brought me. just beside the bed is the AM/FM radio that accompanied me during my first dose of heartbreaks, during kilig moments and at times when I just wanted to stay late and shift to senti mode (ironically, 11 PM was already late for me back then). and of course, to complete the scene, i heard the thundering sound of the vociferous tricycles that used to wake me up in time for my 7am science class.i have to remind myself to have this
room soundproofed someday!

at that moment, i felt i was high school again.

though my room hasn't changed a lot except for some added dust on top of the drawers and tables, everything around me seemed to. our house which used to be filled with my and my sister's laughters and little bitchiness is now barren with only my tita and lola for residents. Inang, as I fondly call the woman who gave birth to my mom, is now in her tiniest body form ever and her little alzheimer's is in its biggest blow driving my relatives all crazy. my cousin who had married 3 months ago is now preggy with a 4-month old baby. her sister will soon wed this summer. another cousin is now a father of a twin. well, speaking of babies, cats have been flocking the roof of our house which used to be a kingdom only for Muning,a white cat whose
uterus seemed to be a factory of kittens. now, Muning is gone and i am not really sure if these cats are of her family lineage.

The resort accross the street closed down. The pools once full of blue water giving joy to the kiddos of our barangay now serve as playgrounds to little hopping green creatures. I have to mention that being a neighbor to these pools did not help me learn swimming at all. My silent next-door neighbor, the little boy I kidded with, who just came home from Manila schooling is now a total hunk. My next-door neighbor is now a total hunk!! He is now a total hunk!!! ok... i have to get over that now.. The next-door neighbor of my next-door neighbor who is now a total hunk (so basically, he lived in the next,next house from mine) no longer lives there. What could have happened to him? Married? I remember he once had his hair totally blonde and I found it adorable. Yuck!

Some neighbors who are not related by blood used to treat each other as families. Today, blotter records in the barangay hall seem to be their only bond. Little kids grew to puberty. New families formed. Houses renovated. Stores closed. New establishments rose. The once cool guys are now fathers forming their beer bellies. And the girl tweetums now have little babies tagging along.

Six years have passed... Why am I feeling like a stranger to my homeland?

Sometimes I envy my high school friends who stayed. They are now ninongs and ninangs of each others' children. Some are officemates enjoying their own Friday night gimiks. They have created this special kind of bond. The kind I only share with few classmates who went with me and crossed the borders of Nueva Ecija off to the jungle of Diliman. The only difference with me is when I took step in the world of the metro, my family followed shortly after a year, decided to try our luck in this new place. so unlike belle or katre or allan, my dormmate friends who have been known to me since grade 1, I did not travel to cabanatuan during weekends. but please don't get me wrong if there might be a tinge of regrets in my lines. i might have lost the
could-have-been-wonderful friendship with my old classmates but hey, i was blessed with so many friends here as well. and these people are so amazing, i can't help but be grateful. moreover, my move here introduced me to a whole new world i am just glad i learned of.

then came the time to leave. the little visit is over.

despite the feeling of being "out-of-place in my own place", i felt good coming home.the changes were too obvious, they are getting into me. but what is important is the fact that the more significant things remain.

just like the hugs of my tita whenever i'm home, how she would insist for me to take time off work and spend a longer vacation there, and how she would cry whenever i would leave. the look in my grandma's eyes as she would kiss my hand and call me "apo" but later on would ask me" kanino ka na ngang anak?". the bond i share with my cousins, how we are supportive of each other and the fact that they believe in me big time.

this will forever be the place where i first felt loved and treasured, where the early foundations of my character were built. this is where i first cry,wept, rejoiced, triumphed and felt all the emotions in between. this place gave me comfort. this place is home. who i am now is part of this lovely place, my lovely little past.

i left teh place with a heavy heart. stranger no more...