the visit

complete silence. alone. the night was still.
birds chirping. the environment was peaceful. but not me.

the last time i visited you like this, i was all torn, confused, lost and just didn't know what to do.
same as now.
two days ago, i just spoke with you and told you of my plans for the year. great plans, indeed.
how fast you responded. checking how serious i was about what i said. too fast, i wasn't even able grasp it all.
so i came here to tell you that i am completely serious about everything. can't it be just like that? can't you just take my word for it?

i know that the answer is no. you really wanted proof. you had to put me into this test. and you know so well that i don't wanna fail you. no, not you who has been so faithful. especially the last time. so, can i just ask you for some time to have myself ready? just some time before i do what i should.

i will be completely honest with you as you fully know my heart. i'm shaken. i'm doubting of my strength to get through this. im anxious, worried and in panic.

and as expected, you always have the words to calm me down, to tell me that everything will be alright. once again, you told me to trust you and to acknowledge that i have to go through this for a reason, for the lesson. i felt the need to just repent. to you more than anybody else. then realizations just flowed. too much i almost drowned. some i couldn't accept. some truth i tried to deny. but who am i fooling?

once again, you never failed me however unfaithful and inconsistent i am. may you just sustain me.
i'm tired. i just wanna go home.
i need to go home.

i pull out the walkman from my bag as i slowly start to walk out of your house. maybe i need some music. just so there would be something to accompany me in the stillness of the night. and the song goes..


Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home..

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you